So, then a Sabbath rest still remains for the people of God;
for those who enter God’s rest also cease from their labors as God did from
his. Let us therefore make every effort
to enter that rest…(Hebrews 4:9-11)
I wondered for years how the writer of Hebrews could put “effort”
and “rest” in the same sentence. I didn’t
know that the Divine Lover would teach me by letting me experience the tension
between the two.
In the Fall of 2004, I began experiencing symptoms of fibromyalgia. I knew at the time that my intensely painful
body issues were symptomatic of me “swallowing” unhealthy emotions,
particularly anger, for almost all my life.
Anger wasn’t “nice”, especially for women, and super-especially for “Christian”
women. Worry wasn’t good, either, nor
sadness, nor fear…so if I wasn’t supposed to express those feelings, what the
heck was I supposed to do with them??? What “overly-emotional” women have
always been told to do, “Just get over it. Suck it up. Quit being hysterical. Let God help you (what the heck did that
mean???) Chill.” So, how did I do that??
But I tried. I swallowed all those
negative emotions and held them inside, until I would explore—making a pretty
huge mess all over everything. Then I
would be ashamed, so I’d get even angrier and begin projecting that anger onto
someone or something else. Surely it
couldn’t ALL be my fault.
By 2004, my body finally said, “NO MORE!” The pain was really bad and all the time.
Doctors weren’t much help, and I even was depressed. I would pray and hear, “Love yourself back to
health.” So, what did that mean? Eventually I began going for Reiki and massage
therapy, and then Mother and I began going to the water class at the gym. I didn’t KNEW if this would help; I simply
didn’t know what else to do. I just knew
all of these things were gentle and felt a little like “love”.
Over the years, I took some yoga classes at the gym and
really liked it, but they had a tendency to “power it up” or cancel it. I missed it, but I learned to enjoy Body Flow
(a blend of yoga, Pilates, and tai chi).
I had tried Pilates earlier, and hated it—it hurt, and I couldn’t do it
without pain. But in Body Flow, I could ease into it a little better.
Now, to anger and the connection…I’ve known for a very long
time that I’ve had anger issues. For the
last 20 years, God’s worked with me and quieted my soul, and the anger episodes
had pretty much disappeared. But I had
an episode this last Summer that made me pause.
I got so angry, viscerally angry, angry enough that I felt my blood
pressure rise, my heart beat so fast it nearly leapt out of my chest, my whole
body stiffened into a very cramped “board”, and I knew I was “in trouble”. If knew I didn’t learn to deal with the anger
in a healthy way, I was going to die. I
told my husband, “Either I go to therapy, or I find some way to hit something.”
So I signed up for boxing classes at the gym. At the same time, a friend introduced me to
her Pilates class, and she took care of me.
For years I’ve seen myself as a “weak” person, and often said, “I don’t
even have a core!” But when I took my
friend’s class, I discovered my core had been strengthened over the last few
years. Then my friend introduced me to spin
classes…WOOHOO! I discovered it’s as
good as hitting something! And no one
gets hurt! All my pent up frustration
and angry energy just goes flying off somewhere as I pedal along! All these new exercise classes showed me
something I didn’t know—I have grown strong over the last number of years. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, and I didn’t
have a clue.
So with all that, my exercise routine totally changed, and I
signed up for yoga classes, as well as Pilates classes this last week, and I’m
loving it.
Now, what does all that have to do with Sabbath Rest?? What does Sabbath Rest have to do with
anger??
My book study group at St. Timothy’s is working through, The Good and Beautiful Life, by JamesBryan Smith. This week’s chapter was on learning
to live without anger, and the spiritual exercise the author chose as anger’s
antidote is “Sabbath rest”.
So, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last week reflecting
on the connection between anger and rest, and I am amazed at what I’ve learned through
body awareness.
And I’ve discovered how my body finds its best “Sabbath rest”.
From the experience I’m currently having, I think Sabbath Rest just might be a
rest that energizes us, as well as relaxes us.
Sabbath Rest is like a healthy diet…it takes a little getting used to
when all we’ve eaten is junk food, but it really pays off by giving us super
nourishment in every way.
Centering prayer over the last few years has taught me to
focus and pay attention without judging what’s going on in my mind or my body.
Massage therapy and Reiki has taught my body how to relax. I thought I knew, but I don’t think my body
had ever seriously relaxed.
Yoga has taught me about balance, and how to stand in the tension
of the opposites. Savasana pose has
taught my body how to rest and focus at the same time—a heightened sense of
awareness.
Pilates has strengthened my core.
And Spin is a great way to disperse all the negative energy
that my body has a tendency to hold onto all these years.
What a paradox…I am making
effort, and I am finding rest. I am learning what it means to live and move
and have my being in God. I have learned
to breathe into the work so that my body can relax as the work gets harder. I find that I am energized physically,
emotionally, and spiritually when my practice for the day is done. And I leave my “work” with a sense of
well-being.
And to top it all off, my body has become my friend. Yes, I still have fibromyalgia symptoms, but
they don’t rule my life, and they don’t stop my body from responding to the
goodness all around it. I have learned
to listen to my body and trust what I hear.
For too many years, I saw my body as something that held me
back from God. Women have always been
taught not to trust their bodies, so I longed to escape it and “go home” to
heaven someday. But I’ve discovered that
Heaven is here inside this time and space of form and matter. The Kingdom is here. And I’m learning to physically live in it.
And I’m learning what to do with my anger instead of
swallowing it. I’m learning how to use
it to move me to a new place. I’m
learning not to be ashamed of it, but even to listen to it and let it lead me
to the Larger Story of transformation.
