If a woman does not keep pace with her companions,
perhaps it is because she hears a different drummer.
Let her step to the music which she hears, however measured or far away.

Thoreau (with a Conner twist)

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Saturday, June 29, 2013

MISSING THE MARK



I’ve heard “sin” defined as “missing the mark”.  God and I have a running joke: 

“Where’s the damn mark??? Someone keeps moving the target!”

I’ve been experiencing that familiar low-grade “rage” inside of me.  When have I not been angry? It’s been building up, and came to a head yesterday.  Mother took her 6th fall in as many weeks, and I’m tired, frustrated, pissed off—I’m feeling abandoned, I’m feeling my damn limitations, and it feels like no one else cares.

I was reminded last night that anger is addictive.  So, how do we put the anger bottle down? How do we lay down the fork that pierces anger and feeds the rage-aholic?  I was asking myself those questions as I lay me down to sleep last night.

My sleep has been very restless for a long time now—fit-full.  My body is constricted in pain.  And I’ve had 3 months of UTI’s (talk about pissed off!). My body is saying very loudly, “Let go of the anger; release it!”  HOW???

So I got up this morning and began to write down all my frustrating anger-filled thoughts, and I took them to Byron Katie, and The Work (did you know there’s an app for that?).  I began to take one statement at a time and go through the 4 questions and the turn-arounds, and the tears began to flow.

THAT’S how you release anger. You cry! I recently read: rage turns to sorrow; sorrow turns to tears.  The body relaxes. The breath is restored. The flow returns. The water is turned back on. Did you know that you can’t have a good cry and be mad? Not a “good” cry.

It’s the tears that carry anger out of the body and away somewhere.

The target isn’t out there.  It’s not Mother. It’s not that “nobody else cares”. It’s not out there.  The target is inside my own soul.  The mark that God keeps me headed for is INSIDE of me.  There is no relief as long as I look outside myself and blame, shame, or resist and fight against “the other”.  It’s only by going inside and doing “the work” that we can find the healing and the “forgiveness” we need.

Just giving you a “head’s up” in case you, too, are looking “out there”.

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