The Rat of My Mind - Getting off the Hamster Wheel

It’s with a grateful heart that I write this morning.

I spent time with my Engaging Scripture practice this morning. The passage was Matthew 21:1 -14, the disciples questioning Jesus about when he was coming back and what the end of time was going to look like.

It came too close on the heels of our “Rapture” guy this weekend. As I read the passage, I felt myself tensing up, contracting on the inside, being frustrated at the stupidity of it all, and frustrated with the point of view that keeps us focused on the negative and the end, instead of today. I could feel the conflict inside of me, as I rushed through today’s Practice to something else that would be more applicable to my current worldview, even a little angry at myself that I couldn’t “get” the Scripture today—surely there had to be a middle ground somewhere.

Engaging Scripture was not a blessing today, and my response was one of internal conflict, frustration, and a feeling of “going backward”.

Then I listened to my on-line class’s weekly session: The Kingdom of Heaven is Within You. As usual, it was Good News, and uplifting. Then, I found the practical application for me TODAY.

Leslie said, “If we’re journeying inside ourselves it’s helpful to know how we get in our own way.”

As she continued talking about our thought patterns and what gets “foregrounded”, it dawned on me that my old cultural worldview was what was being foregrounded as I read that passage from Matthew. And that old worldview demandsthat I get it right—that I interpret Scripture right, and that I live my life right.

There was a day not too long ago, when all I thought about was what the disciples asked Jesus that day: “When are you coming back? What will the signs be?” That’s all I lived for. That was my whole worldview only 10 short years ago. And I was so sure it was right.

But I see with a new pair of glasses today. I see Christ often now-a-days in the faces of those around me, most recently in the face of an elderly lady who sat next to me in church this past Sunday morning. All she said to me was simply, “Thank you,” but I saw Christ in her eyes, and I heard Christ in her voice. Every hair on my arms and neck stood at attention, what Leslie calls “a body buzz”, and I knew that I knew it was Christ who was thanking me, and gratitude flooded my heart as tears stung my eyes.

This new worldview helps me see goodness all around me. It keeps me focused on today, this present moment. It keeps me aware of joy, peace, goodness, beauty, truth, and everything sweet about life, instead of focused on the narrow, the ugly, the end, and everything that’s wrong with the world we live in.

But I often find that there’s still this demand inside of me that this newer worldview be the “right” one.

Today as I listened to Leslie teach, it came to me once more that every point of view is just that, only a point of view—partial and incomplete. I don’t have to figure out that passage; I don’t have to judge whether or not it’s right or wrong to live life that way. I don’t have to judge my own self for feeling frustrated, even angry that I picked up an old pair of lenses to read Scripture with. I don’t have to do anything but feel my feelings, welcome them, and surrender them to Love.

It really doesn’t matter what point of view you or I see, it only matters that we realize it’s a partial point of view. And it only matters that we surrender our demand to have “the right point of view” in the face of Good News, that we are not separated from God: “the One is already here. We are being invited to the feast. We are being invited to participate in that which is greater than ourselves. And there’s even more Good News: Grace itself loves chaos and allows for destruction—chaos and destruction always birth something new. It’s a way of getting our attention; it’s a way of seeing a higher order, an order that can hold more complexity”. (from Leslie’s talk).

It’s ok that my understanding is “messy”, and that my attention wanders, and that I don’t get “it”. It’s even ok that I get frustrated and angry when I read certain passages of Scripture. All I need to do is surrender the frustration, the anger, and the messiness to Divine Love, and relax in the knowing that I’ll never be able to see it or understand it all.

And I find myself relaxing into Love again this morning, breathing deeply and unwinding. I’ve had help catching the rat of my mind running on the hamster wheel of my demanding thoughts. And I’ve been able to stop the wheel, and get off.

Thank you Leslie, for the reminder. Thanks be to God that the Kingdom is within us, just waiting for us to learn to access it and to share it.