Reflections on 2012

The end of another year, and tomorrow we begin a new one. All in all, this has been a really positive year for me. Seems I’ve come home—without ever really understanding how far I had run from home. I’ve come home to my insides. I’ve come home to my spirituality. I’ve come home to everything I’ve run from…

I just remembered this poem I wrote a number of years ago, almost exactly seven years ago:

The Marathon Runner
December 13, 2005

Running

running hard and fast
not with the joy of a marathon runner
who runs for the life of running
but with fear, I run the “run away” running,
running until I can run no more.

The unholy marathon began at 4
when I began running from TrueSelf.
I ran from the friendly universe
from joy and play
from being a “Mama’s girl”
And I ran from trust—
either God or my Self.

And I continued running.
At 9 I began running from sexuality
at 10, from Christmas and the holidays
at 17 from my own choices
from adventure
from creating and “being” an artist.
At 19 I began running from marriage and commitment
At 35 I began running from this New Age,
this paradigm shift I’m destined to be a part of.

Then, at 40, something remarkable happened.
I began to slow down
and I made a turn,
albeit a small turn,
still I slowed down
and made a turn

and I began the long, hard journey home
home to God and home to my Self
home to my childhood
home to joy and play
home to the friendly universe
and home to being a “Mama’s girl”.

Am I there yet?
Am I here?

At 56, if I’m not home
at least I’m no longer running away.
I’m not even jogging anymore
I had slowed down and was walking
just walking
until I decided to hitch a ride
on an elephant.
I have climbed up on the elephant
of all my fearful running,
and now I am riding all the way home.

I wrote that when I was 56; I’m now 62. It’s been a number of years since I read that poem, but it is the story of my life, my fears, and my running. And yes, looking back at that poem, it seems I have come home this year. I have settled it within myself. I am a Christian, albeit it, a very different Christian than I was when I was 40. I don’t know quite as much anymore about everyone else. I’ve discovered that for me, the spirituality of Christianity has called me to attempt to follow Jesus more, not just to worship him. And it’s called for everything about me to change—every single cell, every microfiber. All my values and beliefs have been challenged. What’s left is mine, not what someone else taught me. I’ve learned to accept doubts (both mine and the doubts of others) as part of the equation, not to fear them or condemn them. I’ve learned to be curious, and questions are good. And I just might not ever have the answers, especially for someone else. I’ve learned more about the “wisdom tradition”, and developed more of a “panentheistic” (God IN everything) spirituality. I embrace evolutionary science, as well as evolutionary spirituality. And I know there are many, many paths home.

Finding my ground has been one of the best things about my “coming home”. The ground seems to have finally quit shaking and it seems I have found solid ground once more. My old wineskin broke, but I have a new container, and it seems flexible enough to hold all kinds of new thoughts, questions, ideas, theologies, etc. The Christianity I’ve discovered over the past few years is wide, open, big and glorious. Much thanks to my many, many teachers who’ve broadened and expanded my point of view.

Another good gift of coming home is that I didn’t have to run from the holidays this year. Something happened when my sisters in Grace Group prayed for me back in October, and the Ghost of Christmas past was set free. This has been a miraculous holiday season, with a deep sense of gratitude for all I have and all I’ve experienced. I know that might not seem as big as regaining my stable ground, but it’s huge for me.

As I look over this poem, and the past few years since I’ve written it, I am so grateful for my life, for my husband, my mother and children, for my friends, for my different communities (St. Timothy’s, 3rd Act and the Art League, my “love” ladies, Grace Group, Family Fitness, shoot, even Facebook!). Each one has added such a wonderful dimension to my life. Life is good, and every single part of it belongs.