Reflections on 2012

The end of another year, and tomorrow we begin a new one. All in all, this has been a really positive year for me. Seems I’ve come home—without ever really understanding how far I had run from home. I’ve come home to my insides. I’ve come home to my spirituality. I’ve come home to everything I’ve run from…

I just remembered this poem I wrote a number of years ago, almost exactly seven years ago:

The Marathon Runner
December 13, 2005

Running

running hard and fast
not with the joy of a marathon runner
who runs for the life of running
but with fear, I run the “run away” running,
running until I can run no more.

The unholy marathon began at 4
when I began running from TrueSelf.
I ran from the friendly universe
from joy and play
from being a “Mama’s girl”
And I ran from trust—
either God or my Self.

And I continued running.
At 9 I began running from sexuality
at 10, from Christmas and the holidays
at 17 from my own choices
from adventure
from creating and “being” an artist.
At 19 I began running from marriage and commitment
At 35 I began running from this New Age,
this paradigm shift I’m destined to be a part of.

Then, at 40, something remarkable happened.
I began to slow down
and I made a turn,
albeit a small turn,
still I slowed down
and made a turn

and I began the long, hard journey home
home to God and home to my Self
home to my childhood
home to joy and play
home to the friendly universe
and home to being a “Mama’s girl”.

Am I there yet?
Am I here?

At 56, if I’m not home
at least I’m no longer running away.
I’m not even jogging anymore
I had slowed down and was walking
just walking
until I decided to hitch a ride
on an elephant.
I have climbed up on the elephant
of all my fearful running,
and now I am riding all the way home.

I wrote that when I was 56; I’m now 62. It’s been a number of years since I read that poem, but it is the story of my life, my fears, and my running. And yes, looking back at that poem, it seems I have come home this year. I have settled it within myself. I am a Christian, albeit it, a very different Christian than I was when I was 40. I don’t know quite as much anymore about everyone else. I’ve discovered that for me, the spirituality of Christianity has called me to attempt to follow Jesus more, not just to worship him. And it’s called for everything about me to change—every single cell, every microfiber. All my values and beliefs have been challenged. What’s left is mine, not what someone else taught me. I’ve learned to accept doubts (both mine and the doubts of others) as part of the equation, not to fear them or condemn them. I’ve learned to be curious, and questions are good. And I just might not ever have the answers, especially for someone else. I’ve learned more about the “wisdom tradition”, and developed more of a “panentheistic” (God IN everything) spirituality. I embrace evolutionary science, as well as evolutionary spirituality. And I know there are many, many paths home.

Finding my ground has been one of the best things about my “coming home”. The ground seems to have finally quit shaking and it seems I have found solid ground once more. My old wineskin broke, but I have a new container, and it seems flexible enough to hold all kinds of new thoughts, questions, ideas, theologies, etc. The Christianity I’ve discovered over the past few years is wide, open, big and glorious. Much thanks to my many, many teachers who’ve broadened and expanded my point of view.

Another good gift of coming home is that I didn’t have to run from the holidays this year. Something happened when my sisters in Grace Group prayed for me back in October, and the Ghost of Christmas past was set free. This has been a miraculous holiday season, with a deep sense of gratitude for all I have and all I’ve experienced. I know that might not seem as big as regaining my stable ground, but it’s huge for me.

As I look over this poem, and the past few years since I’ve written it, I am so grateful for my life, for my husband, my mother and children, for my friends, for my different communities (St. Timothy’s, 3rd Act and the Art League, my “love” ladies, Grace Group, Family Fitness, shoot, even Facebook!). Each one has added such a wonderful dimension to my life. Life is good, and every single part of it belongs.

October's Journal Pages

You know, sometimes we get too busy or too distracted to plug into our creative side on a regular basis, so it really helps to have an incentive. Our 3rd Act crones are working on collabrative journals over the course of a year, so each month I have an extra "push" available. This month, I was given 4 white pages to be creative on--it's usually only two, so this was really cool. And I had so much fun.

What's really neat about these journals is there's no plan when we begin. All of us have talked about how special it is that the Muse shows up and something wonderful happens with each journal. This month, it seems Spirit was speaking: "Wake up, and stay awake!" It's good to be reminded.

Light and Salt, Combining Engaging Scripture and Proprioceptive Writing

I've discovered a new way of journeling that's proving to be revealing, and a lot of fun. It's called "proprioceptive writing"; journaling your thoughts as they come, then taking a question (What do you mean by _______), and using the question like a shovel, digging underneath the thought to reflect and re-examine. I've done 4"Writes" this way, and decided to use it in my Engaging Scriptures practice this morning. What a fun combination! Our Scripture was from Matthew 5, where Jesus tells us we are salt and light. This is my Write for the morning, nothing special, just expanding and re-expanding my thinking, one of my favorite things to do.

"OK, so I want to take my thoughts this morning and guide them…salt “of the earth”, light “of the world”, just what do I think about that? Where will thoughts take me. Is this spoken to me personally, only to Christians, or to humanity itself?

What do you mean by “humanity itself”? Was Jesus speaking to all of humanity? Or to only his followers? What if he was speaking to the whole of humankind? Kind of a prophetic word to the whole?

What do you mean by “prophetic”? Jesus speaking a thought into actual be-ing-ness…like, as he speaks to all of humankind, humankind becomes the actual flavoring of creation, like baking a cake—vanilla changes batter from cornbread to cake, vanilla and sugar--and salt. Salt is in every recipe, a staple spice that gives just a certain “zing” to the food it’s sprinkled on, or in.

What do you mean by “zing”? There’s a flavor that salt adds to a dish, kind of a “pick it up”, a lift, a zing. Without it, the dish is flat…so, without humankind, creation tastes flat. It has no zing. But I think of Karen’s hamburger—with no salt, it’s flat. With too much salt, it makes a person thirsty, so humankind as a whole—how are we flavoring the earth around us? I suspect we’re “too much”—trashing the earth and taking advantage of creation, trash talking each other, and taking advantage of one another, so what do I do with that? When my life is tipped over and spilled out…how do I flavor creation around me? Am I so overpower that creation becomes useless, or less than? Or am I not enough, so that creation “needs” something? Thinking of fruit ripening—so, “ripen me” that I might be just the right amount of flavor to the earth around me.

And light, to the world. Berry best describes this in Green Dragon: through the human being, creation “sees itself, “hears itself,” is able to “reflect on itself. So, is my light transparent enough for the sky to see its true blueness? Am I transparent enough for the lily to see it’s bright color, or for the mountain to catch its awe-inspiring beauty?

And what about my own backyard? Does the mocking bird hear its song and sing even louder because my light reflects its true beauty? Does the little canal behind my house see itself clearly because my light is bright and uncovered? What a thought, that the world, creation itself, might need the light emanating from humanity in order to see its own beauty. How clear is my light? How fresh is this salt? How do I flavor? How do I reflect? Do I understand my own personal impact on creation and the world around me? And like Jesus said, “it’s about fruit ripening.” I can’t change myself. I can only “intend”—intend to light the world around me, intend to gently flavor the earth. Hang onto the branch until I completely ripen. Sweet, delicious flavor. God in me. “I am”… I am salt, I am light, I am fruit ripening on the vine. All in good time. I AM.

What do you mean by “I AM”? I say the words that Jesus said, “I AM”, and I am. Don’t know how to explain it, only “I AM.” God in me becoming. Salt in me flavoring. Light in me shining. Fruit in me ripening. The connection to the Great I AM, releasing this “I am” to be. The Great I AM becoming in the small “I am”. You will do greater works than me…not blasphemy, but truth. I AM because God is, and I AM created in God’s image and likeness."

Propreioceptive writing is a wonderful, easy way to sharpen your creativity, check your emotions, learn about yourself, and to bring light to your spiritual journey. Much more fun than straight stream of thought writing or morning pages, a lot more useful and more revealing.