Day 6 The ABC's of Advent, Letter F

Today's the F Word...I grinned when I thought of that. It puts a rather whimsical slant on the whole thing, because one of the biggest myths perpetuated by the Garden, is the myth of "family" and what that's supposed to mean.

This isn't meant to be cynical, although it may sound it for a while, but the expectations put on "family" and all that is supposed to be for us is huge. I think, for me, that's one of the reasons the Christmas season can be such a "downer" for so many of us. Family--blood is thicker than water, although most of us have experienced just the opposite.

I've been reading fictional novels about Eve since we reviewed the creation story in our September TAEHS group. Currently, I'm reading Eve, A Novel Of The First Woman, by Elissa Elliott. And it seems that "family" has been the F word since the very beginning. Blood's never been thicker than water. The loyalty and love that we're aiming for? I suspect that's part of the "Fall". It's just not there.

Someone once said something like "we're born into our "family" but we choose our "friends". And "friend" is my other F word. I have wonderful friends. Like my birth family, and the family from my own womb, they, too have failed me. Perhaps it's because the expectations aren't quite as high? I don't really know, but my friendships have grown and strengthened over the years. I know in my deepest core, that they really, really care, and when the chips are down, they will be there for me in ways my "birth family" and my "womb family" can't be. And I suspect they really, really know me--sometimes it seems they know me better than I know myself.

In either case, family or friend, FORGIVENESS is the big F word of Advent. It truly is the F word that brings light into my darkness. The quote from Mark Twain says it all, "Forgiveness is the fragrance of violets on the heel that crushed it." Thank about that. We are fragile beings. Very, very fragile. We crush easily. And the one's who crush us the quickest seem to be those who are related to us--our families. Probably because the expectations are so high. Families aren't supposed to crush us. Parent's aren't supposed to say things to their kids that wound them for life. Children are supposed to love parents forever, even into their old age. Brothers are supposed to be close for life. Sisters are supposed to be best friends. Husbands and wives are supposed to have a love that grows and lasts forever.

It simply doesn't happen that way. That's why forgiveness has to be. Henri Nowen wrote that if there's anything we need forgiveness for, it's that we aren't God for one another. That has stuck with me for a long time. I have expected much from my parents--they weren't and aren't God. My brothers don't get me, and don't really know me. They aren't God. My husbands--all 3-- have failed me. They aren't God. And my precious children, probably the one's I've loved the most, even they have failed me. They aren't God.

And even my friends have failed me. They aren't God. And I forgive them for not being God for me. My prayer is that they will forgive me for not being God for them.

Guess what the G word is?

The Edge

(On one side of the path, ecstasy, on the other

dull grief... Walking)

Denise Levertov

They say there are at least two sides to every story,
two sides to the coin--

but there is a third,
the Edge,

Black, white
Joy, sorrow
Happy, sad
Knowing, not knowing
Gain, loss
Love, fear
Anger, release
Dark, light
Have, have not
Past, future

So, perhaps this is the trick?
To give up living on the Edge between
and drop into the vast space of the present moment?
The Now?
What Holy Scripture calls, "Today"?

I seem to waffle so,
and find myself wavering, tossed to and fro
like a leaf in the wind.

It seems the Edge narrows this time of year
and becomes razor thin.

Thoughts turn to prayer:

"Grant me grace enough to fall into the vast present moment of Today,
where there is room enough breathe and simply remember,

'Safe am I'."

Day 5 The ABC's of Advent, Letter E

Ok, so this is a little bit of a downturn...it's time to put up the Christmas tree--while I may long to celebrate Advent and it's quiet waiting, I'm snapped back to the reality of living in this world. Jim's gone for the tree--now I have to scrounge into the little space under the stairs and pull out the dusty boxes. It feels to me like reaching back into the past and bringing out all the old memories and trying to live there again.

In her book Walking in This World, Julia Cameron talks about "'growing up in the fun house,' where our soul's aspirations are mirrored back to us in a distorted and distorting fashion".

That's how I feel right now--walking that fine line, called the Edge, between what I long for and what is...

This is where I long for the Light...

Day 4 The ABC's of Advent - Letter D

I almost kicked myself for not doing this page yesterday, but I'm still trying to trust the Muse, who's biggest job seems to be teaching me that "timing is everything".

I've known I wanted to use Darkness for my D word, but somehow it just didn't click yesterday. With the weather teasing "snow", and the pots on the stove bubbling turkey gumbo, "darkness" just didn't fit. And I woke up this morning, knowing why.

I've learned over the years to befriend the darkness, knowing that it's the womb that gives life. I've learned not to be afraid of the darkness as much as I used to be. And I've learned that waiting is part of the "it" of befriending darkness.

But this morning, I woke up knowing that at the end of darkness comes DAWN. And part of what I'm waiting for is the beginning of something new that comes with the dawn.

The pieces of poetry on the pages are from a poem I wrote in October, entitled:

The End of Winter's Long Night.

The long night is nearly over.

The edges of morning sun's rosy dawn

creep into night's black sky,

and I am left tired to the bone.

It has been a long winter's night,

but I live.

My hip hurts,

but my heart is free.

And I limp.

I no longer stand tall with ready answers.

My hip is out of joint,

and I lean--

listing like a broken down sailboat.

What I was yesterday is only

a discolored spot on a wall,

a shadow,

a distant memory.

My feet are no longer tightly fitted

in shoes of certitude.

I walk with bare feet now.

And I lean.

But the long night is over,

and I live to see a new day.

Only one thing is certain now--

the Life Giver walks among us.

(Genesis 32.24-31 and Song of Solomon 8.5)

Day 3 The ABC's of Advent - Letter C

My C words for Advent are compassion, community, and Christ-mass (made that one up).

Someone told me a long time ago, that in Scripture, one of the words that compassion comes from is the same word as "womb". Growing up, compassion was described as coming from the "bowels", but when I heard the "womb" thought process, it made much more sense of me. There is something about feeling someone's pain or circumstances from the womb. A mother knows.

I reacently learned of the Charter for Compassion, and was reminded again that compassion is at the center of ALL religions, including my own. Just imagine, if we all could remember that we are "one", and if that "one" human community could act always from a heart of compassion for each other and the planet itself, the Christ-Mass would always be sung. Let it begin in me.

Day 2 The ABC's of Advent - Letter B

I woke up this morning about 4:30, with "visions" of art journaling pages dancing in my head. Today, December 2, my Letter B's of Advent are "breathe", "breath", "blow", and "beautiful". One of my all-time favorite hymns is Breathe On Me. I haven't heard it for years, but I heard it clearly in my deepest parts this morning as I woke.

The purpose of my art journaling the ABC's of Advent is to look for "light"...as Ruah Spirit blows her sweet breath on my heart, "sunshine fills its inmost, with not a cloud between."

I have my "Light" for today.

Blessed be.

Day 1 The ABC's of Advent, Letter A

A is for Advent, Adventitious, Adventure, Adventuress, Adventurous, and AUDACIOUS!

Christmas hasn't been my cup of tea for a very, very long time. I want that to change, to shift in some way. Recently, Andy mentioned in one of his sermons, that this ISN'T Christmas season, it's ADVENT season, the season we wait for Light. Something in that comment settled deep in me, and somewhere inside, I felt a shift coming. So, I've waited. I thought it might help to make some soul collage cards about Christmas, but that just hasn't happened--my "stuff" kept getting in the way. So, I waited some more. For several years now, art has been my prayer, my therapy, my tool for healing. Images are transformative, so I've felt that my answer would be found in art some way, but I didn't know how, so I kept waiting.

Yesterday I went to Hastings to buy magazines for Soul Collage, and I found this wonderful little book on art journaling. I spent time looking through it last night, and reading through some art journaling blogs, and something "felt" right--this is it. But how do I start?

I've journaled for years, and I've even tried keeping some kind of journal using art, but nothing's every clicked. Then, this morning, I woke up with "the answer"--at least for now. This is December 1st. Perhaps I could do an Advent alphabet, using words to jump in. I love words, and this seemed like a good idea for me.

So, I rushed into my studio and rumaged through some drawers looking for old sketch books that might work. The first one I came to just happened to have 26 pages. Wow...this is meant to be. So, here I go. These are the first two entries in my new journal for Advent 2009. I'm looking for Light. I'm looking for a shift. I think maybe this just might be a tool for me this year. I'm ready!