The Antidote to Anger – Sabbath Rest

So, then a Sabbath rest still remains for the people of God; for those who enter God’s rest also cease from their labors as God did from his. Let us therefore make every effort to enter that rest…(Hebrews 4:9-11)

I wondered for years how the writer of Hebrews could put “effort” and “rest” in the same sentence.  I didn’t know that the Divine Lover would teach me by letting me experience the tension between the two.

In the Fall of 2004, I began experiencing symptoms of fibromyalgia.  I knew at the time that my intensely painful body issues were symptomatic of me “swallowing” unhealthy emotions, particularly anger, for almost all my life.  Anger wasn’t “nice”, especially for women, and super-especially for “Christian” women.  Worry wasn’t good, either, nor sadness, nor fear…so if I wasn’t supposed to express those feelings, what the heck was I supposed to do with them??? What “overly-emotional” women have always been told to do, “Just get over it. Suck it up.  Quit being hysterical.  Let God help you (what the heck did that mean???) Chill.”  So, how did I do that?? But I tried.  I swallowed all those negative emotions and held them inside, until I would explore—making a pretty huge mess all over everything.  Then I would be ashamed, so I’d get even angrier and begin projecting that anger onto someone or something else.  Surely it couldn’t ALL be my fault.

By 2004, my body finally said, “NO MORE!”  The pain was really bad and all the time. Doctors weren’t much help, and I even was depressed.  I would pray and hear, “Love yourself back to health.” So, what did that mean? Eventually I began going for Reiki and massage therapy, and then Mother and I began going to the water class at the gym.  I didn’t KNEW if this would help; I simply didn’t know what else to do.  I just knew all of these things were gentle and felt a little like “love”.

Over the years, I took some yoga classes at the gym and really liked it, but they had a tendency to “power it up” or cancel it.  I missed it, but I learned to enjoy Body Flow (a blend of yoga, Pilates, and tai chi).  I had tried Pilates earlier, and hated it—it hurt, and I couldn’t do it without pain. But in Body Flow, I could ease into it a little better.

Now, to anger and the connection…I’ve known for a very long time that I’ve had anger issues.  For the last 20 years, God’s worked with me and quieted my soul, and the anger episodes had pretty much disappeared.  But I had an episode this last Summer that made me pause.  I got so angry, viscerally angry, angry enough that I felt my blood pressure rise, my heart beat so fast it nearly leapt out of my chest, my whole body stiffened into a very cramped “board”, and I knew I was “in trouble”.  If knew I didn’t learn to deal with the anger in a healthy way, I was going to die.  I told my husband, “Either I go to therapy, or I find some way to hit something.” 

So I signed up for boxing classes at the gym.  At the same time, a friend introduced me to her Pilates class, and she took care of me.  For years I’ve seen myself as a “weak” person, and often said, “I don’t even have a core!”  But when I took my friend’s class, I discovered my core had been strengthened over the last few years.  Then my friend introduced me to spin classes…WOOHOO!  I discovered it’s as good as hitting something!  And no one gets hurt!  All my pent up frustration and angry energy just goes flying off somewhere as I pedal along!  All these new exercise classes showed me something I didn’t know—I have grown strong over the last number of years.  I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, and I didn’t have a clue.

So with all that, my exercise routine totally changed, and I signed up for yoga classes, as well as Pilates classes this last week, and I’m loving it.

Now, what does all that have to do with Sabbath Rest??  What does Sabbath Rest have to do with anger??

My book study group at St. Timothy’s is working through, The Good and Beautiful Life, by JamesBryan Smith.  This week’s chapter was on learning to live without anger, and the spiritual exercise the author chose as anger’s antidote is “Sabbath rest”.

So, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last week reflecting on the connection between anger and rest, and I am amazed at what I’ve learned through body awareness.

And I’ve discovered how my body finds its best “Sabbath rest”. From the experience I’m currently having, I think Sabbath Rest just might be a rest that energizes us, as well as relaxes us.  Sabbath Rest is like a healthy diet…it takes a little getting used to when all we’ve eaten is junk food, but it really pays off by giving us super nourishment in every way.

Centering prayer over the last few years has taught me to focus and pay attention without judging what’s going on in my mind or my body.

Massage therapy and Reiki has taught my body how to relax.  I thought I knew, but I don’t think my body had ever seriously relaxed.

Yoga has taught me about balance, and how to stand in the tension of the opposites.  Savasana pose has taught my body how to rest and focus at the same time—a heightened sense of awareness.

Pilates has strengthened my core.

And Spin is a great way to disperse all the negative energy that my body has a tendency to hold onto all these years.

What a paradox…I am making effort, and I am finding rest.  I am learning what it means to live and move and have my being in God.  I have learned to breathe into the work so that my body can relax as the work gets harder.  I find that I am energized physically, emotionally, and spiritually when my practice for the day is done.  And I leave my “work” with a sense of well-being.

And to top it all off, my body has become my friend.  Yes, I still have fibromyalgia symptoms, but they don’t rule my life, and they don’t stop my body from responding to the goodness all around it.  I have learned to listen to my body and trust what I hear.

For too many years, I saw my body as something that held me back from God.  Women have always been taught not to trust their bodies, so I longed to escape it and “go home” to heaven someday.  But I’ve discovered that Heaven is here inside this time and space of form and matter.  The Kingdom is here.  And I’m learning to physically live in it.

And I’m learning what to do with my anger instead of swallowing it.  I’m learning how to use it to move me to a new place.  I’m learning not to be ashamed of it, but even to listen to it and let it lead me to the Larger Story of transformation.

Another Session of Hogwarts is Ended...

It has been an immense personal privilege for me to serve on the staff of St. Timothy's Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this past week.  We celebrated our week last night by closing with The Great Feast--Eucharist.

And I've been meditating on what this past month of being immersed in the Harry Potter phenomenon has meant to me, personally.

The first Harry Potter book was released stateside in the Fall of 1998.  In January of that year, one of the "prophetic" people in my church at that time prophesied "This will be the year that God reveals 'fear' in people's lives...people who have never recognized fear will learn that they live by fear."

And I yawned!  I was pretty skeptical of that "word", and knew for certain that was NOT what God was doing in my life...

Then came the first Harry Potter book.  I remember the fear-full frenzy well.  For example, I was sitting in the choir loft one Wednesday night at choir practice, when one of the other choir members passed around a petition to keep the Harry Potter books from being in our Lake Jackson library.  And I was torn--should I sign it or not?  I had heard enough of the rumors to be absolutely terrified of what that book was doing to our kids, but--should I sign a petition to censor it?  Fortunately for me, I didn't sign it. At the same time, I was very concerned because my step daughter was a HUGE Harry Potter fan, and had consumed the book in record time.  I didn't know much, but I knew that THIS series of books was meant to take our children straight to the depths of hell, because that's what I had been told.  You see, at that time, I didn't trust my own Inner Knower very well, and I had, as usual, depended on Outer Authority to keep me informed.

So I fretted and wrote in journal about my concern for my step daughter's soul, and I prayed...then one day, my Inner Knower spoke in a very quiet inner voice--"Why don't you read it for yourself? Then YOU decide if it's something to be concerned about."

So, I went to the public library (a very PUBLIC place), and I checked out the book, "put it in my brown paper bag", and took it home.  I never finished reading it, but I confess, I didn't see much difference between it and Tolkein's Lord of the Rings, which had been loudly applauded by the same Christian Circles that had renounced Harry Potter.  So, I quietly "let it go", and decided to trust God with my step daughter.

And even thought I didn't understand it, I made peace with Harry Potter.

At the same time, I discovered that Fear HAD ruled much of my life, and I was one of those people to whom that discovery had been prophesied.  I discovered Fear in my life through Harry Potter.  And I made a pact with God--I chose to no longer let Fear rule my life.  I told God, "When I discover that I am making decision based on Fear, I will purposely "kami kasi" into the other direction.

I am certainly NOT recommending that choice for others, but that was my heart-felt decision at the time.

So, here we are 14 years later--2 cycles of 7's (the number of completion, the number of Christian Sacraments, the number of chakras).  And I've spent the better part of a month immersed in Harry Potter, through my "institutional church," no less!

I've laughed with others this week about Christopher Corbett playing the role of Valdemort and Fr. Andy Parker playing Snapes--both really "good" people of "Light", playing shadow parts and loving it!

It wasn't until I began driving home last night that I realized I ALSO played my fearful shadow part!  I was a "Witch", Professor Prism, all week long!  I've laughed as I've told people, if reincarnation is a possibility, I probably killed witches in a past life. Not only did I play the part, I made my own Wand this week, and I posted a picture of me with my shadowy cat Athena on a very public Facebook!

The women of our last session's Grace Group went to Angleton back in May to meet Janet Davis, a Christian author who addresses women's issues in her books. She commented that a person who has been wounded by religion will be healed by religion, and a person who's suffered abuse in the church will be healed in the church.

That's been such an important thought to me over the last couple of months.

During the Great Feast last night, I knelt at the alter rail dressed as Professor Prism, with my own special hand-made wand in my pocket.  I looked around the rail at all the little witches and wizards who had worn their wizard garb last evening.  I was served the Blood of Christ by Professor McGonagall (better known as Carol Boley) still dressed in her pointed black hat.  And I was served the Body of Christ by the Head Librarian of Hogwarts (better known as Liz Parker)--all inside the 4 walls of my institutional church.

And I knew, that like Harry, I had found my place in the beautiful Body of Christ.  I am now walking this Christian journey linked arm-in-arm with others of like mind and heart.  Like Harry, my own Mother has given her life for me so that I might become who I was meant to be.

And I am one grateful woman.  Jesus Himself has brought me home, both inside and outside myself.

I am quite sure the adventures aren't over, but, like Harry, I have faced one of my biggest fears (being accused of being one of "them"), and I'm not afraid of that anymore.  I am suspicious that there are other fears lurking in the shadows, but I am also just as sure that Jesus will be on one side of me, even as Sophia holds my hand--Mother and Father God BOTH are watching over me, and I am in a community who loves me, Warts and all.

OWL MAIL

Isaiah 30.21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."


For a while now, I've wanted to paint some of my dreams that have meant so much to me over the years.  I started this one a few weeks back, but I felt compelled to "finish" it this morning.


So, we've been involved in a Harry Potter Vacation Bible School this week at St. Timothy's, and it's really been an awesome experience.  For those of you who've known me for a long time, when Harry Potter first showed up a number of years ago, I was invited to sign a petition to keep it out of our public library.  Fortunately, I didn't, but the books certainly worried me, what with all their witches, warlocks, wizards and magic.  As I fretted over the books, and the fact that my step daughter was voraciously reading them, and I couldn't stop her, I heard this "voice" inside myself saying, "Why don't YOU read it for yourself and decide."  So, I checked it out of the library (in a brown paper bag) and took it home to read.  Couldn't figure it out!  But something even then changed inside of me, and I just knew it was ok--not to worry.


And now, here I am all these years later, participating in VBS Hogwart style.  That's the story of my life! Actually, it really is.  I had this dream back in the 90's, and it's dawned on me this week, that this was my own initiation into the heroine's journey--my own "owl mail", so to speak.  I hope to illustrate how the dream unfolded, but this was my invitation to leave the pack and follow my own path. I take so much more liberty with Scripture now-adays, so I hope you don't mind if I take a very well-known passage and put a twist on it.  


Jesus said, "I am the way..."  That Scripture has been interpreted for most of my life to segregate us into two camps: the Right Way, the Jesus way, or the Wrong Way, any other way.

But what if Jesus meant something else? What if he heard a voice in his own ear saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  And he did.  What if that's what he's saying to us.  What if he said something like, "I've had an invitation to walk my own path with integrity.  I've left the herd mentality behind, and I've learned to walk MY path, the way of the heart.  And that's YOUR invitation as well.  Walk as I've walked.  Follow your heart.  Listen to the Voice inside of you, and walk with integrity the path opened up before you."

I don't dare argue this--I'm not a theologian as has been pointed out to me many times before, but this is MY experience.  I heard a voice.  I dreamed a dream.  I received a letter from the Owl--an invitation to go in a different direction.  And I've followed it as best I know how.  This is what Jesus has taught me.

O, by the way, that path isn't "safe".  I read this poem a couple of months ago, and I love it.  Following our own path, listening to our own heart, and singing our own song isn't safe--but it's honest, and it's real.

The Fire in the Song

The mouth opens and fills the air with its vibrant shape
Until the air and the mouth become one shape
And the first word 
your own word 
Spoken from that fire
Surprises burns
Grieves you now because you made that pact
With the dark presence in your life 
He said, “If you only stop singing 
I’ll make you safe”
And he repeated the line, 
“I’ll make you safe”.
Knowing you would hear it as the comforting sound 
Of a door closed on the fear at last 

But his darkness slipped under your tongue and became the dim cave 
Where you sheltered and grew in that small place
Too frightened to remember the songs of the world
Its impossible notes
And the sweet joy that flew out the door 
Of your wild mouth as you spoke

~ David Whyte ~

PS There Is No Map

A few of us in The Well have been pondering "mapping" the journey from head to heart.  I started playing with the images in the second photo a couple of weeks ago, and it's just kind of morphed.  It took me a while to realize I wanted to do a black and white head, since that's "where I came from".  I've really had so much fun working on these, the this morning, would you believe about 3:30, I woke up wanting to finish it, and write this poem:

PS There Are No Maps

Black or white,
true or false?
Just the facts m'am,
that's all you need.

From head to heart?
What does that matter?
Neat little boxes
hold all your answers.

Ask me no questions
I'll tell you all lies.
Don't open the door;
you'll let the light in.

Eve ate the apple.
The rabbit hole swallowed Alice.
The cyclone swept Dorothy away.
What a trip!

What matters is that you're turned
upside down,
and walk on your hands
with your feet in the air.

Whether you're cast from Paradise
or wind up in Oz,
just go.
The adventure begins.

WHY I BELIEVE IN THE WORK OF 

THE WELL

I made this little piece last month—it was an art journal prompt (All Torn Up) for our 3^rd Act group, and there’s a fun little story behind it, but it’s also the story of the Soul and how she’s formed and cared for.

In my reading this morning, Marion Woodman writes a whole chapter on how we have lived most of our lives disconnected from our bodies.  I know that to be true—I was diagnosed several years ago with fybromalgia, and I currently live with its every day.  I know it’s telling me that the pain locked in my body is emotional pain, old “stuff” that hasn’t been healed yet.  Woodman discusses how important it is, especially for women, to get back into our bodies, to learn to listen to them, and to help them heal from the inside out. 

Woodman writes: :In other words, life has not been lived in the body; the soul has not taken up residence. The body has become a machine, running on willpower, and the soul, the young feminine, has been left to stave in the darkness…We can choose to rescue the little girl from the manure pile. We can give our soul child time to play; time to imagine, dream, perceive; time to put those images into painting, writing, music, dance [journaling, SoulCollage®, active imagination writing and painting].  This is the food that will nourish her.  In our creating, we are created.”

THIS is the purpose of The Well.  We don’t meet there to come out with beautiful art work to hang on a wall; we meet there for self discovery, to aid our souls on the journey, and to help nourish our little child inside along the way.

It IS important work.  I have to remind myself of that because of the times that I sit in The Well by myself.  I have to remember it’s not MY Well, it’s The Well that Christ invites us to.  It can be a place where each one of us is nourished by our own Living Water.

It’s a new ministry.  It flounders.  I’m not sure how to proceed.  You’re not sure it’s worth your time.  None of us are sure what we’re doing.  All I know is that space is opened.  And it’s waiting for you to come and drink.  And if you come, I can at least promise that we’ll keep seeking and knocking until we find the water.  It may take us a while, but we’ll find it.

And if you still don’t come, promise yourself that you’ll find a way to nourish your soul in your own space: write, pray, draw, read, cut out paper dolls, play, and set your little child free to just be, with no Great Expectations.

SoulCollage® Meets Grace Group at The Well

I went to The Well yesterday, knowing something delicious was going to happen because I saw a rainbow on the way there.

It was just The Beloved and me yesterday, and a space of quiet reflection as I made SoulCollage® cards celebrating some special women in my life.

I give all credit to Sondra Griner for taking this wonderful photo of Liz Parker. Liz is one of the priests at St. Timothy's, and she's also one of our leaders in Grace Group. I love this photo of Liz. I remember thinking the first time I saw it, "I bet she's listening to one of the kids chatter!"



It is such a gift to me to see Liz on the alter every Sunday--she and Andy rotate celebrating the Eucharist and preaching the Gospel, so I get to see her take every position possible, up there, in front of me every Sunday. Seeing her there completes my vision of God, neither male nor female, both male and female, more than either male or female.

As I worked yesterday, this picture of the little girl absolutely jumped out to me. A friend of mine would call her a "woman-in-training", and the tug was so strong, that I decided to make a card with her, too.



As I worked, I just "felt" that Liz was communicating with this little girl, who somehow lived inside of me. It was as if I could hear Mother God saying, "Yes, you can be anything you want to be!"

Then, last night at Grace Group, someone asked me "How do you see God waiting on you?" Now, most of the time, I envision God as "Energy" swirling in around and through, so how do you picture that??? Then all of a sudden, this picture came to me--it's as if Mother God gave me tools for life; then said, "Go, girl, make something and I'll watch!"



My primary dream as a very small girl was to "be a preacher" like my daddy, but that dream was extremely short lived because I was "a girl, and girls can't be preachers". So I lived for a long time trying to figure out what I could be that would please "the Father".

This morning as I put this all together, I can feel the nurturing love of Mother God saying, "YES!!!" Have you ever noticed how mother's tend to "give permission", and daddy's make the rules? At least that's the way it was in my house.

And over the last number of years, I have found God to be much more of a Permission Giver than a "nay-sayer". I can't remember the last time God told me "No."

Liz has a nurturing capacity as large as that sun behind her head. And she has nurtured the wounded child inside of me, as has every woman in Grace Group. I am very grateful.

Thank you Liz Parker. I love you!

Celebrating Internat'l Women's Day - Liberating Eve

I've been doing SoulCollage® again!

It’s not that I’m angry with my dad. I’m not. I’m not mad at him, nor am I mad at men in general. But I am angry with the culture that formed my dad and me, the culture that stereotyped and shaped both of us into what we were “supposed” to be: “Men are to be big, strong and important, leaders, of course; and women are to be small, weak, insignificant, “helpers”, naturally. Not only were Daddy and I both raised in that mileau, but when Daddy chose a career, he chose one that “tricked” my mother into becoming no larger than a fly—a fly on a wall, always observing, but never invited in as equal. O, equality was preached all right: "Eve was created from the rib of Adam, not from his head to be lorded over, but to walk side-by-side", but that sermon was always quickly followed by “Wives, be submissive to your husband in all ways.” This damn patriarchal culture made both my mother and me so small and so “less than”.



But, to further complicate the story, I am a “Father’s Daughter”, Athena, birthed from the crown of her Father’s head, birthed fully grown and fully armored, sword drawn and yelling her war cry! The “Athena’s” of our world have been taught to promote, defend and protect this culture, and I faithfully did for over 50 years. Then one day, my body failed, and my eyes opened. The armor became way too heavy. Like the Tin Man, it had rusted so that I couldn’t even find my heart anymore, and I realized I didn’t have a clue how to rest and trust myself and my intuition, let alone God.

It’s amazing how hard is for me to rest and trust. That’s another “gift” of the Patriarchal culture. We are taught: be ever on guard, every watchful, lest the Enemy lie to you and trick you into rebelling. God help the woman who becomes like “them”, one of those “Feminists”, who, are like Eve, are easily deceived and demand equality with God.

Well, I AM Eve’s daughter: naked, unashamed, listening to the snake (an ancient symbol of women’s intuition). Well, at least that’s who I want to be, except I find I can’t get rid of all this damned armor. My armor is made up of words, and these words have taken their toll on my body. I’m always tired, no matter how much I rest. I, we, women, we’ve lost so much. Our battles seem endless, even today, in 2012, there are men who would still have us barefoot and pregnant, cooking their dinners, raising their children, promoting their careers, and serving their “Lord”. Here it is, 2012, 2000 years after Jesus the Liberator came to help set us free, and men are still trying to take back our basic right, our reproductive rights, the most intimate choice we can make.




Damn it, I’m ready to liberate Eve—I took a bite of that apple in 2004, and it tasted very good. I want this armor off, and I have the keys—it time, maybe I will truly be like Eve. NAKED AND UNASHAMED, awake, continuing to make the choice to live the bigger life that I am supposed to live. I am FREE on the inside, now to help set my body free to relax and enjoy!