SoulCollage® Meets Grace Group at The Well

I went to The Well yesterday, knowing something delicious was going to happen because I saw a rainbow on the way there.

It was just The Beloved and me yesterday, and a space of quiet reflection as I made SoulCollage® cards celebrating some special women in my life.

I give all credit to Sondra Griner for taking this wonderful photo of Liz Parker. Liz is one of the priests at St. Timothy's, and she's also one of our leaders in Grace Group. I love this photo of Liz. I remember thinking the first time I saw it, "I bet she's listening to one of the kids chatter!"



It is such a gift to me to see Liz on the alter every Sunday--she and Andy rotate celebrating the Eucharist and preaching the Gospel, so I get to see her take every position possible, up there, in front of me every Sunday. Seeing her there completes my vision of God, neither male nor female, both male and female, more than either male or female.

As I worked yesterday, this picture of the little girl absolutely jumped out to me. A friend of mine would call her a "woman-in-training", and the tug was so strong, that I decided to make a card with her, too.



As I worked, I just "felt" that Liz was communicating with this little girl, who somehow lived inside of me. It was as if I could hear Mother God saying, "Yes, you can be anything you want to be!"

Then, last night at Grace Group, someone asked me "How do you see God waiting on you?" Now, most of the time, I envision God as "Energy" swirling in around and through, so how do you picture that??? Then all of a sudden, this picture came to me--it's as if Mother God gave me tools for life; then said, "Go, girl, make something and I'll watch!"



My primary dream as a very small girl was to "be a preacher" like my daddy, but that dream was extremely short lived because I was "a girl, and girls can't be preachers". So I lived for a long time trying to figure out what I could be that would please "the Father".

This morning as I put this all together, I can feel the nurturing love of Mother God saying, "YES!!!" Have you ever noticed how mother's tend to "give permission", and daddy's make the rules? At least that's the way it was in my house.

And over the last number of years, I have found God to be much more of a Permission Giver than a "nay-sayer". I can't remember the last time God told me "No."

Liz has a nurturing capacity as large as that sun behind her head. And she has nurtured the wounded child inside of me, as has every woman in Grace Group. I am very grateful.

Thank you Liz Parker. I love you!

Celebrating Internat'l Women's Day - Liberating Eve

I've been doing SoulCollage® again!

It’s not that I’m angry with my dad. I’m not. I’m not mad at him, nor am I mad at men in general. But I am angry with the culture that formed my dad and me, the culture that stereotyped and shaped both of us into what we were “supposed” to be: “Men are to be big, strong and important, leaders, of course; and women are to be small, weak, insignificant, “helpers”, naturally. Not only were Daddy and I both raised in that mileau, but when Daddy chose a career, he chose one that “tricked” my mother into becoming no larger than a fly—a fly on a wall, always observing, but never invited in as equal. O, equality was preached all right: "Eve was created from the rib of Adam, not from his head to be lorded over, but to walk side-by-side", but that sermon was always quickly followed by “Wives, be submissive to your husband in all ways.” This damn patriarchal culture made both my mother and me so small and so “less than”.



But, to further complicate the story, I am a “Father’s Daughter”, Athena, birthed from the crown of her Father’s head, birthed fully grown and fully armored, sword drawn and yelling her war cry! The “Athena’s” of our world have been taught to promote, defend and protect this culture, and I faithfully did for over 50 years. Then one day, my body failed, and my eyes opened. The armor became way too heavy. Like the Tin Man, it had rusted so that I couldn’t even find my heart anymore, and I realized I didn’t have a clue how to rest and trust myself and my intuition, let alone God.

It’s amazing how hard is for me to rest and trust. That’s another “gift” of the Patriarchal culture. We are taught: be ever on guard, every watchful, lest the Enemy lie to you and trick you into rebelling. God help the woman who becomes like “them”, one of those “Feminists”, who, are like Eve, are easily deceived and demand equality with God.

Well, I AM Eve’s daughter: naked, unashamed, listening to the snake (an ancient symbol of women’s intuition). Well, at least that’s who I want to be, except I find I can’t get rid of all this damned armor. My armor is made up of words, and these words have taken their toll on my body. I’m always tired, no matter how much I rest. I, we, women, we’ve lost so much. Our battles seem endless, even today, in 2012, there are men who would still have us barefoot and pregnant, cooking their dinners, raising their children, promoting their careers, and serving their “Lord”. Here it is, 2012, 2000 years after Jesus the Liberator came to help set us free, and men are still trying to take back our basic right, our reproductive rights, the most intimate choice we can make.




Damn it, I’m ready to liberate Eve—I took a bite of that apple in 2004, and it tasted very good. I want this armor off, and I have the keys—it time, maybe I will truly be like Eve. NAKED AND UNASHAMED, awake, continuing to make the choice to live the bigger life that I am supposed to live. I am FREE on the inside, now to help set my body free to relax and enjoy!

An Illicit Affair

Got your attention this Valentine's Day, didn't I? Actually, things like the day of the month typically sneak up on me when I'm working on art images, like this mandala. I didn't think about it being Valentine's Day until it was time to date my work.

I began working on this mandala last Saturday at The Well. I enjoy being surprised by art work, and it seems mandalas are really good at bringing surprise. I think most of us who were there Saturday came with something in mind to work toward, but as is typical with mandalas, we were surprised. Who knew my neat little design around the edges would turn into carrots? Believe me, that was NOT my intention. But apparently it was Spirit's.

And I "intended" to put a heart at the center, but this morning, that just didn't work. When we shared our mandalas Saturday, one of the ladies wondered if the spirals I drew were symbolic of water? Usually, they've represented "journey" for me, and this morning as I continued with another spiral in water at the center of this mandala, it dawned on me that water is a Jungian symbol of "the unconscious". That's when it came to me that the key to exploring my issues with food, my illicit love affair, would be found as I continued exploring the unconscious.

I eat impulsively--for comfort, to cover boredom, to disguise some other hunger in my soul, and as one would expect, that unconscious eating leaves me still unsatisfied.

One of the things working with images does for me, whether it be through mandalas, SoulCollage, or active imagination work, is take me on a journey into the unconscious. Answers are there. Keys can be found there. Metaphors to life issues turn up, and healing is found there.

So, what do I "do" with this information? Receive it, ponder it, and let it "be" in me. This process takes more time than a crash diet or liposuction. It takes more time that most of us want to spend, but it's the only way I've found to lasting salvation. The process of doing "the work", whether it be through visual art, journaling, writing poetry, sharing with my Grace Group, or just comtemplating the world around me heals. And that's what we're here for. That's what salvation is about, being made whole.

The Chalice Well

On most Thursday evenings now-adays, you'll find me at Grace Group, or maybe The Well. For the next few weeks, it's Grace Group. Grace Group at St. Timothy's is affiliated with Open Hearts Ministry; some groups are called Journey Groups, but at St. Tim's, it's Grace Group. I appreciate the name difference. We all have journeys to make in our lives, but to survive them and grow in them, we must encounter "grace" along the way. Grace to me is "total acceptance by the Other", whether it be God, or the women who sit across from me on Thursday evenings.

Those Thursday night meetings usually open doors that I'm invited to walk through during the next week. Such was my experience this past Thursday. We were invited to write letters, and I was invited to ponder my response to someone else's story. That was my "work" yesterday morning. Love woke me at 3:45, with an invitation to write, ponder, and work out my feelings through the image-making process we call "art".

As I wrote my letter and pondered my response the night before, as often happens, tears flowed; tears of shame, embarrassment, anger, hurt--and even the question, "where was God in all this". After a couple of hours of writing in my journal, the thought came to me, "Now, go work a mandala."

And this was the result. A friend recently sent me a photo of a "chalice well necklace," and I read on-line about the Chalice Well in England. I already have personal symbols of chalices and wells, and I knew Spirit was inviting me to draw my own Chalice Well mandala. And as I worked this one, remembering one stormy day in 1963, I felt as if Love spoke to me--"I was there in your shame and in your embarrassment. I was there in your fears of being abandoned, not enough, and unworthiness. I saw what happened to you, and My tears fell like the rain that fell that day, as I waited with you in the storm. I was there for you then, and I am still here for you now."

Vision Board for 2012

On Saturday, January 14, a few of us met and The Well to make vision boards for this year. I finished mine this morning, and now I have my New Year's resolution: Assimilate, Create, Relate, Loose Weight.



There were some surprises on my board, one of which was the quote at the center, "the sum of her parts". One of the things art has given to me are the many "parts" of myself that have been hidden, some for as long as nearly 60 years.



I knew one of my "words" for this year was "assimilate". When you add a tea bag to boiling water and allow it to seep, you get tea. That's my picture of "assimilate"...it's time for me to "seep". It's also like "savasana" at the end of a yoga workout--the resting time when your body assimilates the work done into it's DNA so that it can change. The work becomes a part of you.


And always I must create--spending time with the Creator and the Muse do replenish my energy and care for my soul. It's life-giving work for me.

And it's time to bless and hopefully improve my relationships. I've been given so very much--so many friendships of all different kinds. Different communities that bless my different parts: my spirit, soul, heart, and body. Friendships that bless the grown up in me, and friendships that bless the kid in me. I am so grateful.


And "always we begin again". I have "battled" my weight for years, but this year feels different. I'm a human being. It's my "job" to begin again. So, here we go.

I hope you have a vision of what you and Spirit can do this year together. Share it.

The MaskMaker and the Shadow

Doing work with my SoulCollage® cards has been an important part of my wonderful Christmas Season this year. Christmas has been an unfavorite season for me for many years--dating all the way back to my 9th year. But the prayers of my Grace Group and the making of and dialoguing with cards has meant for me a break through this year. I'm very, very grateful. Nothing changed on the outside, but a lot has changed on the inside--maybe even a new birth.

I made this card a number of years ago, but it had a new message for me this morning. And part of that message included a new work I learned yesterday: "en-factuation". A friend of mine "made up" the word and shared it with me yesterday. It's a good word, best defined by "story".

If you'll notice in the upper right corner

...these old biddies are the "en-factorators". When one person "en-facts" another, they look at a person and cover that person with a story of their own making--they encase that person with their own "facts", and live their lives according to their own made up stories. They spoke to me this morning:

I am the "en-factorator". I am frozen in another time, another place, and another experience. I stand outside your time and space--outside your heart--and I believe my own story about your life. I have you imprisoned behind a curtain of shame. I have decided your fate, and I have whispered my story of your life to you, to myself, and to others, repeating as facts the lies I made up and calling them "true".

Then, there's the Shadow:


...and this morning she spoke to me, too:

I am the Shadow who lives behind that "curtain of shame", but what you've spoken about me, I refuse any longer to believe. I choose instead to stand on my own experience, my own knowledge and my own truth. I refuse to let your "story" about my life determine my identity any longer. I am free--free to color my own world, free to transform that curtain of shame into a window into the past, and free to be my own true Self. I am free to decide for myself who I am, and I choose to believe no longer the lies you tell about me.

And this morning, she turns her back on the MaskMaker, speaking: I will no longer put on a mask to protect myself or to please you. I choose to show my own true face and to choose my own name. And I will tell my own story based on what I know to be true.

As with dreams, I also know that each person on this card is a part of me. I am the "enfactuator"; I am the MaskMaker, and I am the Shadow, my own True Self, the really, real me, unfrozen by time and old stories, a person of color, bold and free.

I know I have "en-factuated" about others--it's hard not to look from the outside as if it's the inside and to "know" for certain I'm right about someone else. But the truth is, I can't know for certain all that's true about another, especially when I've enfactuated them from past experiences. People change--daily it seems. If I want sincere (pure) relationships, I must at least attempt to relate with people in the present moment. Seems that's part of 1 Corinthians 13's "love" chapter:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails."

Someone told me a number of years ago to "chew on this Scripture for a while". And I've been chewing ever since.

If I have ever en-factuated you, I apologize, and I ask for your forgiveness. Let's attempt to see each other with Love's eyes, at least for this very moment.

Have a great 2012!

Love Is The Paradox

Day 2, Title Page, Love is a (cross that out!) The Paradox.

Art Journaling

(Now, why is this page NOT landscape???Grrrrrr....)

I've had a hankering to start a new art journal. Our 3rd Act Circle is going to do this very thing beginnin January, 2012, but it seems I can't wait. I have dreamed the last couple of mornings about The Paradox of Love, and art journaling, so I think I'll do a journal on "love", and it's many paradoxes. I might use Pittman McGehee's little book when I need a prompt, or I might see my own paradoxes during the day and decide to journal those. Whatever, I bought the journal, and I put my name in it. That's a start, and after all, that's the name of the game: Just begin!

(Maybe this is part of the paradox of love--you can't control things! Dammit!)

Black and Beautiful

One of the first things I learned as I soaked in The Song of Songs a number of years ago is that I am beautiful to the Lover of our souls. Flat out beautiful! And so are YOU. We have so many voices speaking to our vises and our "sins"--this is sin and that is sin. If you explore this you're a sinner, if you move in that direction you're a sinner. Martin Luther's picture of our soul's being a dung hill that's simply covered by the blood of Jesus isn't a pretty one. It doesn't give us a chance unless we believe a certain way.

But that's not what I learned from those years in the Song. We are LOVELY. We are SPOTLESS. YOU may see a spot in me, but the Great Lover doesn't. I may see a plank in your eye, but Divine Love sees nothing but beauty. "There is not spot in you...only beauty." Believe it. Nothing to do, nothing to work for, nothing to say, nothing but the voice of the Beloved saying "You are all fair my love; there is no spot in you."

The Night of Pressing

It came unexpectedly
much quicker and quieter than I was prepared for –
the black hole, the dark night
the freefall - round and round,
over and over - no ground beneath my feet
no sense to it all.
Instead of the usual certitude
doubts filled my mind
and nothing but loneliness filled every cell of my body.

Nothing was real.
Nothing was settled.
Nothing was true.
Nothing was holy.
There was no friend to walk with me,
no one coming on a white horse to rescue me,
just the senseless freefall into black nothingness.

I didn’t realize it was Gethsemane.
This was too black to be a holy place,
too empty to be so full,
too senseless to compare with His dark night.

“He began to be grieved and agitated.”

Sorrow-full,
sadness filling every pore,
a sense of loss,
regret,
disappointment,
hopelessness
finality.

And the olive sits under the weight of the press -
for how long?
For me, it was five years.
An eternity separated from my God,
lost as lost can be,
the fairy tale over,
nothing left but the falling, the darkness, the void.

Is there any oil?
Who knew half the weight of the olive is oil.
There is oil,
but sometimes it takes a long time to press an olive.


As I painted this morning, I thought of a number of friends who seem to be going through a "pressing" of their own; they are in freefall. My prayers are for you this morning. No one knows when it's coming, no one knows how they'll respond to the pressing, and no one knows when the darn thing will ever end. It feels so good to feel the earth press beneath your feet as the freefall begins coming to an end. My prayer is that you'll just hang on until you land. There will be arms to catch you.

The Harrowing of Hell

A couple of weeks ago, the conversation on our Coming Home FB page got around to the subject of hell, and a friend reminded me of Cynthia Bourgeault's discussion of hell in her book, The Wisdom Jesus.

Part of her discussion includes this exerpt from Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek:

"That something is everywhere and always amiss is part of the very stuff of creation. It is as though each clay form had baked into it, fired into it, a blue streak of non-being, a shaded emptiness like a bubble that not only shapes its very structure but that also causes it to list and ultimately explode. We could have planned things more mercifully, perhaps, but our plan would never get off the drawing board until we agreed to the very compromising terms that are the only ones that being offers.

"The world has to sign a pact with the devil; it had to. It is a covenant to which everything, even every hydrogen atom is bound. The terms are clear: if you want to live, you have to die...The world came into being with the signing of that contract."
(end of quote)

Dillard's picture of that "blue streak of non-being" set Bourgeault to thinking. She continues writing:

"It had not previously occurred to me that this irreducible brokenness might in fact be part of the givens of this realm itself. It was simply not one of the options that my classical theological training would lead me to consider. In our usual theological take on the Christian mystery, with the emphasis so much on personal sin, we lose sight of the fact that death and finitude really are collective, the backdrop against which everything else unfolds."

She takes the conversation further by writing about the Christian take on darkness and light, and tells about a woman who questioned, "How could this darkness exist? How can we remove this darkness from the planet."

Bourgeault's respnse was, "Don't you see that by judging it you only make it worse? By trying to stop the black, to make it all white, all good; by saying that this we can accept, and this we must reject, you keep empowering that cycle of polarization that creates the problem in the first place." Bourgeault continues, "I think this has always been the fatal trap in the 'God is Light' roadmap, the orientation that cleaves to the light by trying to deny or reject the shadow."

Then she began writing about The Harrowing of Hell, the idea that Jesus descended to hell before he rose from the dead. That's not found in Scripture, but it is a huge part of Christian Tradition, with the idea even being included in the Creed. So, what did Jesus do there? Tradition teaches that he preached to the unbaptized, but I do love Bourgeault's take...What was Jesus doing there?

"He was just sitting there--surrounded by the darkest, deepest, most alienated, most constricted states of pained consciousness; sitting, if we can imagine it, among all those mirroring faces of the collective false self that we encountered earlier in the crucifixion narrative: the anguish of Judas, the indecision of Pilate, the cowardice of Peter, the sanctimony of the Pharisees; sitting there in the midst of all this blackness, not judging, not fixing, just letting it be in love. And in doing so, he was allowing love to go deeper, pressing all the way to the innermost ground out of which the opposites arise and holding that to the light. A quiet, harmonizing love was infiltrating even the deepest places of darkness and blackness, in a way that didn't override them, or cancel them, but gently reconnected them to the whole."

Thanks for putting up with the long quote, but these are ideas that I've thought myself and now someone's put voice/and words to it. I've pondered Dillard's "blue streak of non-being" that's shot through the whole of creation, and I've pondered Jesus just sitting in hell with us until the light comes--I've pondered it all through Lent. I've gone through my own dark night, and Jesus sat with me. The light's coming again. And I have friends who are sitting in their own hell--their own darkness, and I know Jesus is sitting with them. They may not know it, but I know it, and I can pray it for them--that he stay with them until the light comes again for them.

This isn't one of those paintings I want hanging over my sofa. Not sure I'll ever even enter it in a show; all I know is that I had to paint it as a "Thank you" to the One who is always with us, whether we know it or not or whether we believe it or not.

This I know, True Love Wins--every time.

Ponder Jesus with you in your darkness on this Holy Saturday, then have a blessed Easter tomorrow.

Ash Witness Exhibit - My Lenten Blessing

The consolation, the dignity, the joy of life are that discouragements and lapses, depressions and darknesses, come to one only as one stands without -- I mean without the luminous paradise of art. As soon as I really re-enter it -- cross the loved threshold -- stand in the high chamber, and the gardens divine -- the whole realm widens out again before me and around me -- the air of life fills my lungs -- the light of achievement flushes over all the place, and I believe, I see, I do.

Quote from - Henry James (compliments of Rod McIver)


I love this quote. It was posted by a dear friend this morning Facebook. It perfectly expresses what painting and poetry do for me when I'm in a low place. Lent is kind of sorta that for most of us Christians--it's the depression, darkness, and discouragement before the Dawn breaks. We remember--we remember not having done it well. We remember those we've lost during the last year--especially as we remember what's said when our foreheads are marked: you came from dust; you're going back to dust. Most of us don't want to think of death. There's acutally not much appreciation for it here in the west. But as one of my favorite teachers once said, "You can't be born again without dying first." Truth.

Anyway, a lot of folks don't particularly like Lent, especially because it is our darkess before dawn, our death before resurrection period.

But this year, our pastor Liz Parker caught wind of the Spirit and heard an invitation to the parishoners of St. Timothy's to meditate on our ashes and write or draw or express in some other way what the ashes mean to us. This last Ash Wednesday was one of the most moving I've ever to, and the project of a few of us turning this vast array of photos, paintings and drawings, poetry and prose into an exhibit became one of the most intense Lenten Blessings I can imagine having.

I owe a debt of gratitude to Liz for asking me to help. And a debt of gratitude to the parishioners of St. Timothy's for participating. The Exhibit is YOURS.

Photos of the exhibit may be viewed here: St. Timothy's Ash Witness Exhibit

Life Giving Holy Dove

I actually got to stay home all day Thursday and today, so I hit the studio! Might should have cleaned house--could vacuum and mop, but I really wanted to paint. So, guess what won!?!

I loved this song when I first heard it--and sang it--Sunday:

Spirit of truth and love
life giving holy Dove
speed forth Thy light
move on the water's face
bearing the lamp of grace
and in earth's darkest place
let there be light.

I knew Sunday that I wanted to paint that verse; I'm so glad I had time this week to do it. First time I've had the watercolors out in a very very long time. Still not sure I'm through, but close. Had so much fun painting it.

Anyone who knows me knows I've struggled with Christmas for many years now, but I'm really learning to love Advent.

I wasn't raised with Advent,and never experienced it until I spent my time in the Catholic Church. I tried to celebrate it the usual way, with wreaths, calendars, special prayers, etc., but that never really worked for me. Advent for me is praying with my art.

Way back in 2003, my artwork came back to me--I think Mary gave it to me. I hadn't touched anything resembling art supplies in years--too busy chasing God, but in 2003, toward the end of November, I began dreaming of mandalas, so I began working with them. That was my journey back into art work, and without me realizing it, it was my introduction to praying with art. And I didn't realize then that I was in the Advent season.

Advent 2003 didn't find me any closer to they Mystery of Advent--it was still just a season on the calendar. But slowly, I've come to notice over the past few years, that Advent brings me a precious slowing down (even in all the hustle and bustle). Something begins to pull me back, slow me down, and turn me in. Last year, Andy said it--Don't struggle with Christmas; celebrate Advent. Look for the Light. So I did. Last year was an art journal. Look back a year on this blog, and you'll find it. This year, it's icons. I had the privilege of sharing my love for icons (something else I discovered during my time in the Catholic Church) with our Christian Formation class last week, and I knew I wanted to paint an icon. It's not egg tempera--may never be, but it is on wood, and I did "real" gold gilding! That was an experience! And I've thorougly enjoyed the experience of working quietly and meditatively this week. This has always been my favorite icon: Christ Pantocrator. This image is supposed to be the "sterner" image, but I love it.

Now, the paints go up, and the studio gets put back in some kind of order, and I won't use it again until next year. I leave next week on Sabbatical. I plan on doing some art while I'm gone, but in small doses. So, I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. O, by the way, I read something this past week that made me stop in my tracks. Did you know that WE are the reason for the Season??? Because God loved us, Jesus came.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Merry Yule to all my friends!

A ROOM OF ONE'S OWN

A ROOM OF ONE’S OWN

I invited him in
Told him this was his house
“Take off your shoes, stay awhile
make yourself at home.”

“Rearrange the furniture if you like.
You can discard whatever’s in your way,
even if it seems precious to me.”

“Here,
here in my heart,
in this space
make a room of your own
to just be.”

He came in, looked around and smiled,
then walked to the mantle in the Great Room.
He noticed something was missing.
He cleared a place,

then put Her picture there.

I was surprised. He was pleased.
He was home.

The Grasses Know

The Grasses Know

Waves

upon waves

upon waves

purple heads
float on oceans of green
and ochre grasses...

Malkatuh walks through,
and the grasses know.

She is.



My pre-dawn walk yielded little bits of poetry this morning. As I rounded the bend on my return home, the tall grasses moved in the wind. I've seen it before, but today I bowed and whispered "Namaste", and the poem came.

The first write yielded "Ruah" as her name. But as I sat with the Aramaic words of Jesus this morning, expanding on my understanding of the prayer he taught us to pray, I read these lines:

(begin quote)

"Malkuthakh" refers to a quality of rulership...that guide[s] our life toward unity. It could justifiably be translated either "kingdom" or "queendom". From the ancient roots, the word carries the image of a "fruitful arm" poised to create, or a coiled spring that is ready to unwind with all the verdant potential of the earth. It is what says "I can" within us...The word "Malkatuh", based on the same root, was a name of the Great Mother in the Middle East thousands of years before Jesus. The ancients saw in the earth and all around them a divine quality that everywhere takes responsibility and says "I can".

(end quote)

I remembered the grasses blowing in the wind just before dawn, and I remembered the sense that She was walking through them as they recognized her, and I knew they also recognized their own "I can".

That's when I knew Ruah had introduced me to Another, Malkatuh, the "I can".

It's been a happy morning.

The Gentle Spirit of SoulCollage® and the Storm Survivor

I am so taken with the gentleness of SoulCollage®. One of the principles of SoulCollage® is “the answers are already inside you; you have everything you need”. And it’s true.

Over the last few years, I’ve gone through my own “dark night”, questioning everything I’ve ever been taught, listening to all the judgments I’ve ever made and questioning my conclusions, and finally deciding for myself what to keep and what to let go of. My questions have been: Who told me that? Do I really believe it? Is it really of value to me? Is it any longer useful in my life?

That’s a hard thing for a 55-60 year old woman to do. My faith, my beliefs, my values, my politics—everything seemed to be caught under the lens of a microscope. It was all turned upside down.

Hebrews 12 tells of just that kind of “shaking”: “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heaven. This phrase, ‘Yet once more,’ indicates the removal of what is shaken—that is, created things—that what cannot be shaken may remain.”

This piece of dirt called Sheila has been shaken, turned upside down and shaken until her teeth are about to fall out. I never knew that verse even meant my religious beliefs and the values I walked through life by.

I’ve been shaken, and so has my family. And it’s been brutal. I’ve watched the dreams I’ve had for my sons crumble—and I’ve had to grief what I had hoped for them.

But back to SoulCollage®--Thursday was my day to go tape a 30-minute segment for a local TV station. And I had already decided to let intuition run the show—after all, that’s one of the grandest gifts of this process. It believes in and trusts intuition.

So that morning while going through my things and getting my “stuff” together, I happened upon an image that really drew me—a silhouette of family: a mother holding the hands of two children, and a dad kind of off to the side. There were words written across his body, and since he seemed a little distant, I cut out the silhouette of the mother and children and decided not to use him.

I still wasn’t sure I would use this picture, but I thought of it all morning.

And it was the image I used in my demo. I worked with this image and a stormy background. I “knew” she was coming out of the storm.

“I am the one who has walked through the storm, bringing my family with me. I am the one who is now walking into blue skies. The storm has, for the most part, passed. I am walking into blue skies in peace. I have peace in my heart, and peace is my theme. I am a storm survivor.”

After the taping was over, I found out another piece of my family had broken. Somehow, I already knew it. I am sad, for them and for me, but it’s been part of our shaking. And we are all storm survivors. Blue skies are just ahead. We will walk into our tomorrow in peace.

Yesterday morning, I read some of Psalm 18, from Nan Merrill’s book. That Psalm has so been the theme of the last few years for all of us. Somehow, it was the “icing” on the cake and confirmed for me that we are almost through this “shaking”. Thanks be to God.

Psalm 18

I abandon myself to You, O Living Presence, my strength.
You are my rock, my stronghold…my tower of strength…
the source of truth and light.
I call upon You, Heart of my heart,
singing praises to your Name and fear no longer holds me.

The demons of darkness assailed me,
the blindness of ignorance led me astray;
The shadows of fear paralyzed me,
the anguish of loneliness confronted me.
In my distress I called out to You…
You heard my voice…You harkened to my cry.

Then did You, O Divine Presence, show unto me a vision:
the earth reeled and rocked;
the foundations of the mountains trembled
and quaked, as if to slough off the ravages of destruction…
On the wings of the wind, You did come,
with darkness a covering around You,
a canopy of thick clouds dark with water.
Out of the brightness before You
there broke through the clouds hailstones,
coals of fire left from the mountain tops.
As your voice uttered in the heavens,
thunder and lightning stormed the earth…

Yet there was no safe haven,
no hiding place from fear.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
and the foundations of the world laid bare,
The earth gave a might shudder
then settled down to heal
in Silence.

O compassionate One, You reached
from on high, You took me,
You drew me out of many waters.
You delivered me from the fears
that bound me, and
from ignorance that blinded me;
for they threatened to overcome me,
to separate me from You.
They came upon me when I looked not to You;
yet You, O Merciful One, were ever present.
You brought me forth into the Light;
You released my fears,
You delighted in me.
O Holy One, You see the intentions of my heart;
As I surrender to your love,
I grow in peace and gratitude.
For to lose my life is to find Life;
O keep me steadfast in love
for You, Life of my life!
The spirit of your Word is ever
before me,
the Counselor ever present to guide me…
May I walk with You justly, with mercy
and in peace,
a mirror of you love in the world…

You are the Light of my life;
You shine through my darkness…
You ways lead to wholeness…
How tenderly You live in my heart!

The Wisdom and Care of SoulCollage®

SoulCollage® is such a simple tool...yet profound prayer. I've been "feeling" some things over the last couple of months, and those feelings have been pretty well validated over the last few days. And the "boogie bears" of my mind are lurking near. My tendency in this particular situation is to "fear". But when I drew this card as my "neter" of the day, something wonderful happened.

Synchronicity is one of Love's favorite ways to speak into my life, and it always amazes me when it happens.

Andy preached a simple sermon yesterday on the prayer that Jesus taught us. He brought that simple prayer into current day language, then challenged us to do the same. Well, I'm too grown up for that...

But this morning, when I drew this card, that's exactly what happened. I made this card after "bullying" someone about a year ago. It gave me hope that my "Father" still loved me. This morning? It's a whole different message.

As I was pondering my thoughts and feeling my fears, I heard this card speak a whole different message to me:

"Sheila, I am the one who invites you to just walk away. Turn your back on the bullies in your mind that have you hiding in this dark place like a little lost puppy. Leave the pretend demons and dragons of your fears behind, put your hand in mine and just walk away. Leave them be, and come walk with me."

I was reminded of something particular regarding forgiveness that Andy talked about yesterday, so I talked about it with Love, then in my heart, I put my small fearful hand in Love's hand, and walked away from the demons in my mind. I am unable to do anything about the feelings or the fears, or whatever the situation is that stir those feelings and fears, but I can mentally put my hand in Someone's hand and walk away. At least for today.

I've been reading daily from Nan Merrill's Psalms for Praying, an Invitation to Wholeness for a while now. And today after listening to the Wisdom of this card speak to me, I ended my prayer time with Psalm 16...

Remain before me

O Living Presence,

for in You am I safe.

You are my Beloved; in You

I can do all things...

Love is my chosen food, my cup,

holding me in its power.

Where I have come from,

Where'ser I shall go,

Love is my birthright,

my true estate.

I bless the Counselor who guides

my way;

in the night also does my heart

instruct me.

I walk beside the Spirit of Truth;

I celebrate the Light.

Thus my hear is glad,

and my soul

rejoices;

I shall nto be afraid,

nor fall into the pit of despair;

In Love's presence there is fullness

of Joy.

You are my Beloved; in You

will I live.

Energy Made Visible #2, The Golden Purifier

I've been working with images as Pat Allen suggests in her book, Art As A Spiritual Path. I've never wanted to just paint pretty pictures with my art--I truly want it to be from deep inside me, but I've had to work at it. My imagination wasn't particularly blessed earlier in my life (the playground of the devil, you know), so my imagination, as well as my mind and my heart and the rest of me has had to repent (wake up!). Mandalas and soul collage have been my tools of choice for the last 7 years or so, but for now Pat's methods intrigue me. Anyway, long story even longer...

During Lent, I had "close encounters of another kind" with two different birds, a couple of weeks apart. The first was with hawks--almost landing on my car, and actually making eye contact with me, swooping down and showing me their feathers...it was kind of quirky, but I've taken a strong liking to quirky things on, especially on my spiritual journey. I've learned not to shrug off those quirky things, but to ask questions, to pause, to listen. So, I talked to a friend of mine who's just about as quirky, and she said, "Pay attention. The hawk is a message bird--he's got something to tell you, so listen." So I did--hawks everywhere around me for about 10 days, then BUZZARDS!

My first encounter with the buzzards was on Psalm Sunday no less--at church. We were outside, when I looked up and saw these beautiful birds flying around and I exclaimed, "Just look at the hawks; aren't they wonderful!" A friend said, "That's BUZZARDS!"

Now you have to know I've never been a buzzard lover. Back in my "prophetic" days, the buzzard was unclean, a scavenger, and not a good sign. But one of my primary archetypal symbols is the alchemist. I love to rediscover and reclaim "profane"...all things were created good. So, again, I began to watch and listen. And I talked to my friend, who really didn't have much to say except what I already knew...they embraced death and weren't afraid of it. And it was possible something was dying in my life--or needed to. I knew already what that was, so I embraced that, then went home and googled the Vulture and found that the turkey vulture's name means GOLDEN PURIFIER.

Now, if that doesn't get my attention, nothing will.

So, this morning I do a scribble drawing and this big beautiful vulture emerges, in the middle of all my chaos and gives me beauty. As I drew and colored and listened, I knew that embracing death always brings new life. I knew this image was my GOLDEN PURIFIER. Later I sat and dialogued with it...I'm not crazy, Pat Allen is! :) Actually, I've done that with some of my other images, so I know it works. The image has something to say. As I listened, I was impressed that this bird reminds me so much of Christ...despised, rejected, embracing death as a pathway to new life and new creation. From the seeds of death a new way comes.

So I am blessed to have the Golden Purifier, my Christ bird, in my life. I'll never look at a vulture the same. They do no harm. They never kill, but wait patiently for death to come, then they embrace it fully, cleaning up all the remains, allowing life to return. Just like the Cross has done for me.

The Grandmothers

Remember the black canvas with a history (see post below). This is what's happening. I'm having so much fun honoring my grandmothers and my mother--but meantime, other things are happening, too.

This canvas has a huge history--LOTS of energy! My brother rescued it from a burned out studio in Austin (he's in renovation construction, redoing burned out homes and buildings). There was a fire in a group of art studio several years ago, and he got this canvas and a couple of others for me. This one in particular has a story, has suffered death, and is now being reborn--I really DO believe in resurrection. I love the whole history of this thing, and I love watching to see what comes up. Too much personal stuff to share here, but every time I work on this piece of art, something happens--prayer.

This morning, I'll show you the whole thing, which is in process. Tomorrow I'll show you a little piece of it, and share the story.

For today, suffice to say, the labyrinth has a story of it's on. Maybe later I'll have time to share some of it, but for now, I'm off to TAEHS and my last art afternoon with my grandkids! Life is so short, and there's so much to do!