An Open Letter to "Skeptic"

Skeptic – thoughtful, inquiring. a person who believes in or practices philosophical skepticism, a person who habitually doubts, questions, or suspends judgment upon matters generally accepted, a person who doubts religious doctrines.

Hmmm….seems I might be defined as a skeptic, too.

A few days ago, I posted Elissa Elliott’s blog post on my Facebook page and one of my friends commented: “I couldn't agree more. I am a skeptic at heart. What she described is not only agnosticism, but true skepticism. And I hate that the word skeptic is used in such a negative manner among society. A good question to ask would be, " what kind ...of evidence would you need to believe in God?" What people don't seem to understand is that the evidence they are presenting to the atheist is purely subjective, therefore, not evidence at all to another person.”

I have come to appreciate honest skepticism—and skeptics. Didn’t use to—used to really blast the skeptics, that is until I found myself doubting it all.

A friend of mine had a dream a few years back—it was one of those dreams that I knew in my knower was for me. (Dreams can be that way you know—anyone can claim another’s dream for themself. It’s the way of dreams.) She dreamed that she found a fish, almost dead, on the bank of the creek. It was tangled up in knotted fishing line, and still had the hook in its mouth. She sat about trying to free the fish without killing it.

I just knew in my knower that I was the fish, and I was also the one trying to free the fish. In my lifetime, I have swallowed a whole lot of things hook, line, and sinker. This dream came before I entered my season of doubting, but that’s what I realized during that dark night. And I was tangled up in the knots of a lot of religion’s dogma and doctrines that no longer made any sense to me.

One of my favorite nuns at the Cenacle commented in class one day: “One of the things the Church needs to ask forgiveness for is not allowing the questions.” Amen! How the heck does anyone grow to adulthood without asking questions?

It seems that human beings were created, or are programmed, with what might be referred to as a binary operating system (Cynthia Bourgeault). And it works great for most of life. It’s what allows us to sort into categories, organize, define, and prove. But it doesn’t work well for all of life, especially the inner experiences of life. And I think that’s where some of us get all tangled up—we want proof of an experience. We want to define Something indefinable.

A couple of years ago, I realized that the doctrinal view of Trinity that I had always accepted seemed to small for what I had experienced, so I took the liberty of coming up with my own expanded view of trinity: God Beyond, God Beside, and God Within.

God Beyond – what the Buddhist describe as “nothingness”, or “no-thingness”. God before we humans defined “Him” as the old white man in the sky that moves creation around like a puppeteer. God before Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. God before the Big Bang. God before Adam/Eve, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
My experience of God Beyond is like the Energy that bursts open a seed bringing it to life and causing it to grow, the cosmic Energy that flows throughout all creation, flowing in, out, around and through all things, making us all one. It’s what we live, move, and have our being in. Another friend pictured it as a wave and an ocean—the ocean can exist without the wave, but the wave cannot exist without the ocean. The ocean gives life to the wave, and the wave is an experience of the ocean. It’s the nebulous, indefinable, beyond all knowing God. Paul Smith, in his book, Integral Christianity, calls it the Infinite Face of God. This is the God my brain loves to zzzzzzt out to, as I ponder and reflect on Infinite God.

God Beside (or the Intimate Face of God) is the God most of us have experienced as Father, Mother, Sister, Brother, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Community—it’s the God I was introduced to about the age of 3. God Beside for me most clearly goes by the name of Jesus. This God is the one I talk to, walk with—it’s my Friend and Confident, my Companion. Most recently I’ve experienced this God often in the faces of members of my communities – God defined with a face, a voice, a word, and a gift. With this God, I am never alone.

God Within (or Smith’s Inner Face of God) is I suspect the God that a lot of Christians find almost blasphemous. It’s that Divine Spark within each of us—our Essence made in the image and likeness of God—it’s the Buddhist “Namaste”. I am the Light of the world, the Salt of the earth. I am the reflection of God—at my deepest core, I always have been and always will be. It’s God that speaks with my voice, and even shows up sometimes in my paintings, no matter how hard I try not to paint her there. Perhaps she’s the one I need to spend time getting to know, because for most of my life, I thought I was rotten at the core—a dung heap, sinful by my very nature. But my experience of God has taught me that I am beautiful and holy in spite of my propensity to appear different. I’m the acorn pretending to be an oak tree. Or as Meister Eckhart pointed out, “the apple seed producing an apple; a God seed growing into the fullness of God. Peter tells me that I have the Divine Seed in me, and that I partake of the Divine Nature. Paul Smith calls it “baby divinity”. That’s pretty heady stuff for a mere human to take in, but take it in, I believe we must.

So, here I am again, thinking about my “skeptic” friend—grateful for her skepticism, and even grateful for my own. That’s part of our evolutionary call. We are all spiritual beings on a human journey, and our call is to be transformed. How can we fulfill our calling if we refuse to question, if we swallow everything hook, line, and sinker, if we never live our lives beyond the Answer Man.

You know, I still haven’t proved God, but I can invite you into an experience of all that is Love, all that is Beautiful, and all that is Holy. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Mmmm….very, very good.

The Rat of My Mind - Getting off the Hamster Wheel

It’s with a grateful heart that I write this morning.

I spent time with my Engaging Scripture practice this morning. The passage was Matthew 21:1 -14, the disciples questioning Jesus about when he was coming back and what the end of time was going to look like.

It came too close on the heels of our “Rapture” guy this weekend. As I read the passage, I felt myself tensing up, contracting on the inside, being frustrated at the stupidity of it all, and frustrated with the point of view that keeps us focused on the negative and the end, instead of today. I could feel the conflict inside of me, as I rushed through today’s Practice to something else that would be more applicable to my current worldview, even a little angry at myself that I couldn’t “get” the Scripture today—surely there had to be a middle ground somewhere.

Engaging Scripture was not a blessing today, and my response was one of internal conflict, frustration, and a feeling of “going backward”.

Then I listened to my on-line class’s weekly session: The Kingdom of Heaven is Within You. As usual, it was Good News, and uplifting. Then, I found the practical application for me TODAY.

Leslie said, “If we’re journeying inside ourselves it’s helpful to know how we get in our own way.”

As she continued talking about our thought patterns and what gets “foregrounded”, it dawned on me that my old cultural worldview was what was being foregrounded as I read that passage from Matthew. And that old worldview demandsthat I get it right—that I interpret Scripture right, and that I live my life right.

There was a day not too long ago, when all I thought about was what the disciples asked Jesus that day: “When are you coming back? What will the signs be?” That’s all I lived for. That was my whole worldview only 10 short years ago. And I was so sure it was right.

But I see with a new pair of glasses today. I see Christ often now-a-days in the faces of those around me, most recently in the face of an elderly lady who sat next to me in church this past Sunday morning. All she said to me was simply, “Thank you,” but I saw Christ in her eyes, and I heard Christ in her voice. Every hair on my arms and neck stood at attention, what Leslie calls “a body buzz”, and I knew that I knew it was Christ who was thanking me, and gratitude flooded my heart as tears stung my eyes.

This new worldview helps me see goodness all around me. It keeps me focused on today, this present moment. It keeps me aware of joy, peace, goodness, beauty, truth, and everything sweet about life, instead of focused on the narrow, the ugly, the end, and everything that’s wrong with the world we live in.

But I often find that there’s still this demand inside of me that this newer worldview be the “right” one.

Today as I listened to Leslie teach, it came to me once more that every point of view is just that, only a point of view—partial and incomplete. I don’t have to figure out that passage; I don’t have to judge whether or not it’s right or wrong to live life that way. I don’t have to judge my own self for feeling frustrated, even angry that I picked up an old pair of lenses to read Scripture with. I don’t have to do anything but feel my feelings, welcome them, and surrender them to Love.

It really doesn’t matter what point of view you or I see, it only matters that we realize it’s a partial point of view. And it only matters that we surrender our demand to have “the right point of view” in the face of Good News, that we are not separated from God: “the One is already here. We are being invited to the feast. We are being invited to participate in that which is greater than ourselves. And there’s even more Good News: Grace itself loves chaos and allows for destruction—chaos and destruction always birth something new. It’s a way of getting our attention; it’s a way of seeing a higher order, an order that can hold more complexity”. (from Leslie’s talk).

It’s ok that my understanding is “messy”, and that my attention wanders, and that I don’t get “it”. It’s even ok that I get frustrated and angry when I read certain passages of Scripture. All I need to do is surrender the frustration, the anger, and the messiness to Divine Love, and relax in the knowing that I’ll never be able to see it or understand it all.

And I find myself relaxing into Love again this morning, breathing deeply and unwinding. I’ve had help catching the rat of my mind running on the hamster wheel of my demanding thoughts. And I’ve been able to stop the wheel, and get off.

Thank you Leslie, for the reminder. Thanks be to God that the Kingdom is within us, just waiting for us to learn to access it and to share it.

SILENCE AND SOLITUDE

Ahhhh, what a beautiful morning. Cool, crisp, windows open, birds singing, my "bliss station", and beautiful, golden silence.

You know, hospitals just aren't silent. And there's no such thing as solitude. Over the years, I've learned the value of silence and solitude, and I "require" that space in order to function as a human. That still, somewhere in the shadow of my psyche, sounds selfish, but it's not. It's fact. And I am reminded often just how much I require it in order to function well.

My dear precious mother has been recuping from knee replacement in our local hospital. She's had a couple of setbacks, so I was been there with her for 6 days. She's precious and I love her, but there just wasn't any silence or solitude. Her doctor sent her to the rehab floor yesterday afternoon, and I was told, "Go home." This morning, I was was in my "bliss station", listening to golden sounds of silence, and feeling the sweet honey of stillness wash over my soul.

Then I opened my Bible to begin my "Engaging Scripture" study, and there, on a little piece of paper, tucked into oblivion was this little dittie that Andy shared with us one evening as preparation for centering prayer. It was just the "permission" I needed to relax into my silent moment and breathe.

SOLITUDE
(from Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the 12 Steps

The most simple spiritual discipline is some degree of solitude and silence. But it's the hardest, because none of us want to be with someone we don't love. To be with our own thoughts and feelings, to stop the addictive prayer wheels and just feel what we're really feeling, think what we're really thinking, is probably the most courageous act most of us will ever do.

There's probably no way out of our addictive society--and our addictive, dysfunctional families--apart from some significant and chosen degree of silence and solitude.

I go to agrarian societies, places in Africa or the Philippines, and there I see non-addicted people. I see people who lead quiet, simple lives, under stimulated, with a few basic truths that they hold onto all their life. Think of how many things stimulate us daily: radio, television, billboards, conversations. We've go to slow down the chatter, the stimulation; we've got to feel many feelings which have been pent up and denied for decades. We've become overloaded, which is why we're afraid to do it.

We won't have the courage to go into that terrifying place of the soul without a great love, without the light and love of the Lord. Such silence is the most spacious and empowering technique in the world, yet it's not a technique at all. It's precisely the refusal of all technique.

I encourage you, find yourself a "bliss station" (mine's a certain chair in my living room), and just be still--just for 10 minutes, be still and simply breathe. Make some room in your life for purposed silence and solitude. Listen to the quiet and the sound of your own breath. Make it a daily practice. Get to know yourself, and the Holy.

Namaste.

The Wisdom and Care of SoulCollage®

SoulCollage® is such a simple tool...yet profound prayer. I've been "feeling" some things over the last couple of months, and those feelings have been pretty well validated over the last few days. And the "boogie bears" of my mind are lurking near. My tendency in this particular situation is to "fear". But when I drew this card as my "neter" of the day, something wonderful happened.

Synchronicity is one of Love's favorite ways to speak into my life, and it always amazes me when it happens.

Andy preached a simple sermon yesterday on the prayer that Jesus taught us. He brought that simple prayer into current day language, then challenged us to do the same. Well, I'm too grown up for that...

But this morning, when I drew this card, that's exactly what happened. I made this card after "bullying" someone about a year ago. It gave me hope that my "Father" still loved me. This morning? It's a whole different message.

As I was pondering my thoughts and feeling my fears, I heard this card speak a whole different message to me:

"Sheila, I am the one who invites you to just walk away. Turn your back on the bullies in your mind that have you hiding in this dark place like a little lost puppy. Leave the pretend demons and dragons of your fears behind, put your hand in mine and just walk away. Leave them be, and come walk with me."

I was reminded of something particular regarding forgiveness that Andy talked about yesterday, so I talked about it with Love, then in my heart, I put my small fearful hand in Love's hand, and walked away from the demons in my mind. I am unable to do anything about the feelings or the fears, or whatever the situation is that stir those feelings and fears, but I can mentally put my hand in Someone's hand and walk away. At least for today.

I've been reading daily from Nan Merrill's Psalms for Praying, an Invitation to Wholeness for a while now. And today after listening to the Wisdom of this card speak to me, I ended my prayer time with Psalm 16...

Remain before me

O Living Presence,

for in You am I safe.

You are my Beloved; in You

I can do all things...

Love is my chosen food, my cup,

holding me in its power.

Where I have come from,

Where'ser I shall go,

Love is my birthright,

my true estate.

I bless the Counselor who guides

my way;

in the night also does my heart

instruct me.

I walk beside the Spirit of Truth;

I celebrate the Light.

Thus my hear is glad,

and my soul

rejoices;

I shall nto be afraid,

nor fall into the pit of despair;

In Love's presence there is fullness

of Joy.

You are my Beloved; in You

will I live.

Come SoulCollage® With Me - Dancing With The Opposites

I made this card last Thursday, when I gave my first SoulCollage® class. And I love it! Goes to show, sometimes "simple" is best!

I was raised in a black and white world of nice, tidy, little boxes. And everything fit into those nice little boxes: good/bad, black/white, up/down, big/little, right/wrong, us/them, etc. But something happened in 2004 when I drew a black and white mandala of little boxes. Since then, I've begun to dance the dance of the opposites. And I've discovered that a non-black/white world doesn't just lead to wish-washy shades of gray. It makes for COLOR! DIVERSITY! DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW! There's a million choices between black and white. There's a billion points of view between right and wrong. And it's a wonderful, wonderful world of color.

I can be a child of both day and night. I can dance between right and wrong and not really KNOW it all. I can be o so much more flexible, and yes, tolerant of others.

When this card spoke to me it said:

"I am the one who dances with the opposites! Come and dance with me. Sprinkle a little color wherevery you go. You no longer have to live on the edge and be fearful of falling off that little tight rope! Everything in between is an adventure in living! Come experience LIFE in technicolor!"

Try it. You'll like it. :)

Emptiness--Again...

You know, I know a little about marching around Jericho, blowing my own trumpet, 7 times before anything happens...it's the old "been here, done that" thing. How many times does it take?

A number of years ago, the Holy spent a lot of time revealing to me the power and hope of emptiness, but like most of us, it's not a lesson easily learned. And it hurts. Ask Jesus. Paul reminds us in Philippians that Jesus chose to be fully human. He chose to be made empty. I think that's our call, too; to choose to be made empty.

I love empty pots. The significance is huge to me--I always think of Jesus and the marriage at Cana--all those pots just sitting around, empty, waiting to be filled. A full pot can't receive anything, can it.

So, that's where I am again this morning. Seems the Spirit has been speaking to me again on the subject of "subtraction", the power of being made empty, death being required before resurrection, dying before being born again. It's not something I long to hear being spoken to me, but it's something my physical body is screaming to me at the moment. And, because the pain body is screaming, I have to pay attention.

It's those damned expectations again. St. Theresa tells us it's those damned expectations that send us right back to the basement of the castle where all the reptiles live. It's those damned expectations that bind us and freeze us in the past or predicting something about the future--anything at all, good or bad. It's those damned expectations that keep us from living in Today, the only place God and I can relate. Seems it's time for this pot to be emptied again. And I didn't even realize the pot was full.

In my reading this week, I was introduced to a couple of Lao Tzu's verses from the Tao te Ching. I've probably read them before, but they've held my thoughts now for about 4 days. I just keep going back and re-reading them, thinking about the truths they teach, and pondering how they are connected to true spiritual authority. So, for your reading pleasure, and because it's hard to go it alone:

Verse 11 The Importance of What is Not

We join thirty spokes

to the hub of a wheel,

yet it's the center hole

that drives the chariot.

We shape clay

to birth a vessel,

yet it's the hollow within

that makes it useful.

We chisel doors and windows

to construct a room,

yet it's the inner space

that makes it livable.

Thus do we

create what is

to use what is not.

Verse 22 Celebrate Paradox!

No-thing remains itself.

Each prepares the path to its opposite.

To be ready for wholeness, first be fragmented.

To be ready for rightness, first be wronged.

To be ready for fullness, first be empty.

To be ready for renewal, first be worn out.

To be ready for success, first fail.

To be ready for doubt, first be certain.

Because the wise observe the world

through the Great Integrity,

they know they are not knowledgeable.

Because they do not perceive

only through their perceptions,

they do not judge this right and that wrong.

Because they do not delight in boasting,

they are appreciated.

Because they do not announce their superiority,

they are acclaimed.

Because they never compete,

no one can compete with them.

Verily, fragmentation prepares the path to wholeness,

the mother of all origins and realizations.

Give Me Something To Eat...

You know, I love synchronicity! You may call it "coincidence", but I've experienced it to be the voice of the Holy, and when it happens, I PAY ATTENTION.

For example, having TWO TAEHS groups...as if one isn't enough for most people, I'm blessed to be in two groups. And it's amazing how often they "piggy-back" on each other.

I finished one study Sunday morning with this wonderful, awesome, HEALING quote:

"Often for many of us the best we can do is want to believe. That is, we want to believe but either don't believe or are not sure whether we believe and to what extent we believe and whether we believe some of our story but not all o fit, and we can be utterly confused about all of this. Actually, virtually all of us will find ourselves in such a state at one time or another by our spiritual journey...Be that as it may, the basic, primary, and foundational principle of Christian faith remains the same, namely, that the best we can do is intend to follow God and [intend] to believe in God as we are and as we are able. All the rest is up to God. Were it not so, there would be no grace at all but only human effort and striving."

I am a "head" person, and "believing" has been of UTMOST importance to me all of my Christian journey (which is all of my life), but doubt has entered by force over the last few years...all kinds of doubts about everything. And a head person can spend FOREVER trying to satisfy all the doubts.

Back to TAEHS (The Art of Engaging Holy Scripture), my study this morning (for the OTHER group) was from Luke 24. The risen Jesus shows up in the same room with the disciples who are DOUBTING. And they are fearful and talking about "it". Jesus just shows up and says "Peace". Well, sure!

Then he says, "Why are you doubting again?" He says that to me all the time. :) And he says, "Look, see, touch, see--here's my scars to prove it." And bless be God, he DOESN'T say, "Now worship me." A head person would love that. Instead he says, "Do you have food? I'm hungry. Give me something to eat."

I just sat and listened to that. Now THAT's spoken to a bunch of HEAD people. "Get out of your head and into your body. DO something, instead of 'thinking' and 'questioning' all the time."

We are both spirit and flesh. But I'll confess I've been so spiritual most of my life that I've made some people sick. And I can spiritualize anything. Being spiritual is second nature to me. I could have fit in that room those disciples spiritualizing and doubting all night. But Jesus knows that doubters, head people, MUST make contact with their bodies. They must be grounded, pulled back to earth, into the physical realm. They must become flesh, too.

So, how do I, Sheila Conner, feed the risen Christ?

First, I have to wake up and realize I'm in my head again usually running over the same familar ground, digging through those ever-deepening nuropaths in my brain. STOP!

Then I have to stay awake and observe my doubts and my fears.

And it's important for me to participate fully in my own transformation. So, I must get back to being physical, back to being FLESH. It is very grounding for me to go into my studio and paint. And it grounds me to take care of my mother; to go downstairs and help her with a meal or even just to visit with her puts me back into the present moment, into TODAY--I can look at her and touch her, hear her voice and know my feet are on the ground again. It grounds me to meet with my 3rd Act buds. It grounds me to stay connected to my St. Tim's community. It grounds me to write poetry and to work in my yard. Blessed be, it even grounds me to clean house, albeit that's the last thing I want to do. :)

I am so glad the risen Christ told them to fix him a meal. He gave them exactly what they needed--something physical to do to get them back into the present moment and out of their fears and out of their heads.

It's interesting for me to ponder my feeding Christ. Somehow I'm not sure the risen Christ was hungry as much as he was compassionate. He knew the disciples had been in their heads long enough. Feeding him was grace for them.

Ripple...

My middle son and I were discussing my newest painting, and he gave me these words to the Grateful Dead's Ripple:

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

I can only use my key to get into the Garden, and I can only walk the road laid out before me. Someone else's key won't work, and someone else's road won't lead me to the Center. Thanks Barton. I love the words to the song.