Joy Comes In The Morning

I started working on this mandala a couple of weeks ago, then put it aside. I found it and began working on it again this week. I thought it significant that I finish it here on the last day of 2009.

This has been a particularly hard year for some people I know. Yet, it seems to be ending on an "up" for some of us. Myself, I've had a long season of "night" for a while now, especially spiritually, but the night seems to have given way to the dawn, and my way seems clearer again. And for others who I love, the season of struggle seems to have subsided, and there seems to be a "newness" in the air.

There is a beautiful verse in Psalm 30 that tells us weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Perhaps the season of weeping has passed for now. And joy is just peeking over the horizon, with the dawn.

There's another verse that I particularly love: Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19

So, with this mandala, my last painting of 2009, I believe in the new thing. I believe joy is coming for those who have been weeping. I believe a way is being made. All things are being made new, fresh, green, alive.

I'm ready--I'm ready for myself, and I'm ready for my loved ones. And I'm ready for you, too. 2010 will be here in just a few hours. This will be our joy year. I feel it.

Happy New Year!

Day 26 The ABC's of Advent, Letter Z

Day 26 - Z - zygogenesis

I can't believe I've finished this little project, except I believe in "zygogenesis"! I discovered this word a few weeks back when I was writing an alphabetic poem. Zygogenesis is the fusing of opposites. I like to take the word apart so that I can get a better picture:

Zygo - to yoke or pair

Genesis - to be born, the way in which something comes to be; to originate, create, or evolve into new form.

And so, this creative process we're in is a partnership. It's funny...I planned to use the work YOKE or YOGA for yesterday's Y word, but YEAST spoke to me more. I had forgotten that zygo means "to yoke"--the beauty of synchronicity!

Zygo - Take my yoke upon you, for my burden is easy and my yoke is light.

And yoga means "to yoke", to bring together the opposites: mind/body; soul, spirit. Christ/me; heaven/earth.

Relationship with Christ is all about partnership. And out of that partnership, comes New Life--always! Guaranteed. Experience tells me over and over. And this Advent Season has been no different.

I end this art journal remembering how it all started. A kyrios moment, hearing the angel speak: "This isn't the Christmas season; it's the season of Advent, when we look for light", knowing in my heart that word was for me, my seemingly life-long struggle to enter into Christmas, and this little journal.

There is a principle in life--you find what you look for. Seek it; you will find it. Jesus didn't just make us a promise when he spoke those words. He was speaking a life principle. Whatever you're looking for in life, you'll find it. Look for darkness, evil, misery, or pain. You'll find it. Look for joy, for new life, for promise, for light. You'll find it. Reaffirmed when Paul exhorted us to "Think on things that are beautiful and good." Whatever I think on, IS.

Partnership. We DO create our reality. And when we yoke together with the Christ Spirit looking for light, we will find Light. It will come.

And I am thankful.

Day 25 The ABC's of Advent, Letter Y

Y = yeast...just a little bit. That's all it takes, and a little bit changes everything. The ordinary becomes extraordinary.

That's what Andy reminded us last night in his sermon. It was just an ordinary night. Two ordinary people--another unwed teenager with another unexpected pregnancy (it's been happening forever, you know). High taxes (that's been happening forever, too). The displaced poor who had no place to go. The upper and middle class both refused them. Just another ordinary story. Except for the angels.

But Andy reminded us last night, that even angels speaking to us, bringing us messages, isn't extraordinary. They come to us all the time; we just don't have eyes to see or ears to hear. They speak a little word into our lives, and it changes everything. Just a little Yeast--that's what the Reign of God is all about.

And that's what this art journal has been for me this Advent Season. I have grumbled and complained about Christmas as far back as I can remember. I start aching in October, knowing "it's" coming, and I'll just have to get through it.

But an "angel" spoke--I thought it was just Andy, but it must have been an angel speaking through Andy, just a common ordinary word, "It's the Advent Season, when we look for light." I heard it, and it's changed everything. This ordinary season has been extraordinarily delicious for me. A big, fat crusty piece of Bread, feeding my hungry soul. And this Christmas morning, I am FULL! Satisfied. Content. Happy. And this has been the best Advent Season I've ever experienced.

Angles speak "yeast", and the Reign of God comes. Selah!

Day 24 The ABC's of Advent, Letter X

X=XP, the Greek symbol of Christ. Didn't know that--or didn't remember it, until I pulled out my dictionary this morning, looking for an X word. And there it was! X=chi; P=rho, the chi-rho=the Christ symbol, used everywhere in early Christianity.

And long before it became a "curse word" among Christians or a politically correct term for the rest of the world, the term Xmas has been used. It was never intended to take Christ out of Christmas. Quite the opposite.

So, what how do you think the rest of the world would react if we lay down our swords and entered the Xmas crowd. We don't have to fight them; we could join them, leaving everything we love about this time of year perfectly intact. We could quietly diffuse the hype, by just laying down our swords and using this beautiful antique meaning for what it was meant to be all along.

Merry Xmas all - the Light has come!

Day 23 The ABC's of Advent, Letter W

And Day 23--caught up again. Blessed Be!

W is for Womb...
W is for Wisdom...

The Womb has probably been the most used image of God for me for a while now. Even without me realizing it, and probably since the last year at the Cenacle, 2007. In prayer, I feel encircled and held. In fear and aloneness, I feel encircled and held. And constantly I hear, "Safe am I".

Ordinarily I don't like the fog. I discovered a few years back that I'm a tad claustrophobic, and the fog has always felt stifling, especially driving in it. I usually find myself anxious and stressed in the fog, slightly unable to breathe. But the last couple of months, the fog we've experienced this Fall has felt delicious. I've felt carried in the Womb, safe, held, encircled. What makes the difference? Haven't a clue, except it's been really wonderful.

A few weeks back, we engaged a passage in Romans, where Paul talks about "the flesh". Jim Clark (who put together the format of TAEHS), simply clarified that Paul's use of the term, "the flesh" probably was what we refer to as "the self". And something just popped for me. I understand that language. And for several days, I lingered in the vision of this mandala, the little self held inside the Great Self, the Womb.

And MY connection to the Source of all life? My connection is Jesus, and the Spirit of Wisdom that flowed through him, into me, the Christ Spirit. That connection holds me safely always inside something More. And no matter how many "new birth" experiences I have, I'm always the tiny self, being held by the Grander Self, safe in this Great Womb of life.

AND Wisdom? I can't let the moment go without expressing gratitude for Lady Wisdom. She leads me, watches over me, and invites me into friendship with the Holy. That eye of hers is never condemning--she isn't staring at me, checking a list to make sure I'm being a good girl. Instead, she is every watchful, rushing in with her lantern of Light when the way gets too dark. One of the most delicious gifts of the catholic world, is the book of Wisdom that was stricken from the Protestant bible. It's a shame. It's one of my favorite books of scripture. Lady Wisdom, Sophia, Proverb...She Is.

Blessed Be.

Day 22 The ABC's of Advent, Letter V

VOID...unoccupied, vacant, devoid or destitute, having no effect or result, ineffective, capable of being nullified, total absence of something normally present, to empty the contents of...

Except that quantum theory is now finding that NOTHING is every "void". What appears to be "void" is full of generative energy, and the moment there appears to be "nothing", "something" pops into being. Isn't that just the coolest!

A number of years ago, Love took me through a process of "subtraction", which I now know as the Via Negativa, and one day I heard Love whisper, "Beloved, I only empty in order to make full."

Then, as I was beginning to lose my image of God, I attended a What the Bleep workshop at the Cenacle, and learned about the Every-Generating Void. That became my new image of God--until I lost it, too.

I've recently learned that, in Eastern religious art, the white lotus represents the pure soul. Not that we ever get there, but that's what Love is aiming for as we go through this Dark Night, this Great Void. There is a reason. There is a goal. For the Void is never really Void--for the Generative Life Force walks among us.

Blessed Be.

Day 21 The ABC's of Advent, Letter U

Since time began, the goal of life for mystics has been UNION with God. I don't pretend to be a mystic, but I've spent the last 20 years of my life running hard after the Divine Holy, and for at least 10 years, the Lilies were immersed in The Song of Solomon, the Bride of Christ, and the mystical journey. I believe we still are--it just looks different for us than we thought it would.

Song of Solomon is Scripture's expession of the soul's spiritual union with God. Listen to the imagery:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,
for your love is better than wine,
your anointing oils are fragrant,
your name is perfume poured out...

Draw me after you, let us make haste...

As an apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved...
with great delight I sat in his shadow,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brough me to the banqueting house,
and his intention toward me was love.

All of the mystics of every religion knows there's more to this life than what appears around us. We are being drawn toward a Center, the Ground of everything, the Source of all life--like sperm rushing toward the egg, union with the Holy is the goal.

In the Holy, I find my Self, and I am made whole. Love is consummated. On the other side of the cross, on the other side of the pain and death, there is abundant joy and new life--and an understanding that "God" and I are so close, so joined, that there's no separating...the two have become one--and yet still two. I don't become lost in God; I become fuller in God.

For me, that's one of the beauties of the Christmas story. I'm not sure I "believe" that Mary was an actual physical virgin, or if the word "virgin" indicates that her relationship with the Holy didn't need mediating. She was one in herself, and she trusted her own inner knower and was able to follow her heart, trusting what she knew. Or perhaps she was a physical virgin. No matter to me anymore, BUT the story is still a miracle.

Heaven and earth kissed. Infinite and finite touched. And new life was born--something so radically new, that all of history has been changed.

The miracle to me is Mary's union with God at her tender young age. And Love's immense Life poured into her, and her simply waiting until the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us.

One of my favorite pictures in the Song is the Lover appearing as "an apple tree", and the beloved sitting in his shadow. As I worked on my journal this morning, I found my whole insides humming, Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree with Anyone Else But Me. For me??? I am quite sure that Mary was sitting under an apple tree when the angle approached her, and she conceived.

Even the apple tree has been redeemed! Selah!

Day 20 The ABC's of Advent, Letter T

This is another of those words that was supposed to be something else, but I spotted the word, "Theologian" this morning while flipping through a magazine looking for something else, and my heart sang

I love theology, and I've unofficially considered myself a theogian for a while now. I'm not university-trained, and others might not consider me a theologian because of the lack of education. That's ok, but Denise Ackermann, in her book After The Locust, gave me permission to believe that I am and to even say that I am.

The subtitle to Ackermann's book is "Letters from a Landscape of Faith", and that's what each chapter is--a letter to someone close to her. Her chapter on theology is a letter written to her dead mother, trying to explain the difference between a theologian and a "dominee", and trying to explain her passion for theology. Ackermann's mother never understood her desire to study theology, and never quite accepted it. She wasn't particularly religious herself and didn't particularly care for religious people. And Denise was a bit of a disappointment because she was.

I'll just note here a couple of her quotes, and maybe you'll see why she blessed me so.

Writing to her mother, "I owe you a more thoughtful explanation about what I mean by theology. I need to tell you how I stumbled into theology and how, as a woman, I found my own voice as a theologian...I must admit that I am still sorting this out for myself...the connections between theology, feminism, ideology, the bible, the church, and the way we speak about God. I wish this were a straighforward task. Instead it is confusing, even muddled, as I try to discern what is life-giving from what is stifling, even noxious."

"Doing theology requires faith, whereas studying religion does not."

"Theology gripped me."

Quoting a rabbinic saying..."theology is worryng about what God is worrying about when God gets up in the morning...God is worrying about the mending of creation, 'trying to straighten up the mess so that all of groaning creation can be set free.' Theology is sustained reflection about what we worry about, what we believe, and what we do about what we believe."

"Theology demands an engagement of the mind and the heart."

Quoting theologian, Jurgen Moltmann, "It is simple, but true, to say that theology has only one, single problem: God. We are theologians for the sake of God. God is our dignity. God is our agony. God is our hope."

"All people (not just the acedemy or the churches) who engage with God's pain and God's delight are doing theology."

"All levels of experience should be taken seriously because each one opens a window on the world...theology starts with our experiences, and no theology is done outside of human experience."

And regarding "feminist theology", Ackermann writes, "I learned that to 'do' feminist theology means to be critical, constructive, and collaborative. I saw how the leading feminist theologians tackled at least three tasks. First, they were critical of male dominance in Christian tradition and practices. The absence of women's voices, derogatory attitudes towards women, practises and structures that excluded women, and doctrines and teachings that upheld patriarchy had to be analyzed and exposed...Second, feminist theologians delved into the past to recover women's history which had been hidden ignored, or devalued...The third task for feminist theologians was therefore the work of reconstruction. New insights and materials were used to construct contemporary theology. When women 'do' theology, we aim to reshape the church's teachings about revelation, God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and creation; what it means to be a human being; what sin, grce and salvation offer; and what and how the church should be."

"The danger is that when theological education is left to the churches alone, it can barely escape becoming narrowly denominational, even fundamentalist."

And I could go on and on, but mostly what I got from reading her "letter" was validation that some of us can't help being a theologian. It's part of our DNA. We eat, sleep, dream, and constantly think of the Holy, and we look for it everywhere we go. The greatest longing of my heart is to know this Being that we call "God", to question "it", to wrestle with it, to love it, and to be loved by it. It posses me. And the love and learning of it makes my heart sing.

Day 19 The ABC's of Advent, Letter S

Day 19, the letter S, Silence, Solitude, Sanctuary, Soul...

It is only in silence and solitude

that I hear Love speaking

the Word

to my soul,

creating Love's sanctuary.

Day 17 The ABC's of Advent, Letter Q

I missed doing my ABC journal while I was out of town, and it may take me a couple of days to catch up, but I'm determined!

The 17th letter is Q, and my favorite Q words are QUEST, QUESTION and QUANTUM.

I've been reading Madeline L'Engle's book, And It Was Good, Reflections on Beginnings. She addressed one of my favorite thoughts about quantum theory: that all things are in relationship. Nothing happens in isolation; nothing exists in isolation. We are community--ONE. Scientists have discovered that there cannot be A quantum--quanta only exist in relationship with each other. And quantum theory speaks to the fact that the Oberver makes a difference--nothing can actually be studied objectively. NOTHING. Once it has been observed, that observation changes it. What IT is, depends on the Observer, not the IT. I saw a little docu-drama back in the Fall of 2004, What the Bleep Do We Know. It was about quantum theory in relationship to spirituality. Scientists are discovering what mystic knew centuries ago--that there is a common source of energy that connects EVERYTHING, that there is a "web" of life--that everything is in relationship with everything else, that how the Observer "sees" changes what's being observed, that a butterfly flapping its wings in Panama causes a tidal wave in Timbucktoo. What we say matters. What we do matters. What we do HERE, affects those over there--and what's more, those over there are ONE with ME, so it comes back and affects me, too....ZZZZZTTTTTT....

I read a book entitled Quantum Theology about the same time that I saw The Bleep--in fact, I've read it several times. It's way too big for me grasp or understand, and I don't know enough to debate whether it's "right" or "wrong", but it makes me think, and wonder, and ask QUESTIONS. I love the QUEST, the search for the answers. And I'm finally learning that it doesn't even matter if I never find the answer--the joy is in the quest and the question.

Later, in her book, L'Engle discusses "questions" and the freedom to ask them. She talks about how "defensive" some people get when we explore the unanswerable questions. She comments: "I am not comfortable in a closed system where there are no questions left to ask, or where questions are shunned as heresy." I remember Sr. Mary (from my Cenacle days) saying, "If there's anything the church must ask forgiveness for, it's for not allowing the questions." L'Engle continues, "...scientists are a great deal more humble now than they were half a century ago. It's is a pity that more theologians do not also have this humility before God's mighty acts of creation. Why do people who are Christian feel so zealously that they have to protect God from truth?"

The questions are there for the asking. M. Scott Peck wrote in one of his books, that surely it would be heaven NOT to have to have the answers. I agree. The questions are there--they are many. And I can't imagine the Beloved Parent not absolutely delighting in the questions and the curiosity of the child. After all--we are made in the image of our Parent--curious and delighted by the questions that cause our brains to short circuit! ZZZZZZTTTTTTTT! Awesome!

Day 16 The ABC's of Advent, Letter P

I had already picked several P words for today, but a few days ago, I happened upon this poem written by Denise Levertov, entitled "I learned that her name was Proverb."

And the secret names

of all we meet who lead us deeper into our labyrinth

of valleys and mountains, twisting valleys

and steeper mountains--

their hidden names are always,

like Proverb, promises:

Rune, Omen, Fable, Parable,

those we meet for only

one crucial moment, gaze to gaze,

or for years know and don't recognize

but of whom later a word

sings back to us as if from high upon leaves,

still near but beyond sight

drawing us from tree to tree

towards the time and the unknown place

where we shall know

what it is to arrive.

As I read her poem, I thought of my own introduction to "Sophia"...we both were surprised when we discovered the secret names of those who led us through our personal labyrinths toward home. I too wrote a poem to Sophia, but for today, I will acknowledge Levertov's Proverb, for she has now become another guide on my journey. Whether she's called Proverb or Parable, Rune, Omen, Fable or Sophia, meeting "her" has deepened my own sense of purpose, and brought me closer this day to that lasting Place of Peace. I am grateful.

Day 15 The ABC's of Advent, Letter O

No doubt about it; the letter for today is "O", and the word is "open".

This was one of the first mandalas I did in February of 2004. I knew I was working:

James 1:5-8: If any of you is lacking wisdom, ask God, who gives to all enerously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind; for the doubter being double-minded and unstable in every way, must not expect to received anything from the Lord.

I had always considered a "double-minded man" to be a person who couldn't make up their mind, one who sat on the fence, trying to figure out which way to go, but on the morning that I drew this mandala, and listened to my heart speaking, I knew that, for me, a double-minded person is a "black and white" person, an "either/or" person. As I drew this and colored in the black spaces, I heard Wisdom speaking inside my Self, "Those dark places in your mind? Those closets with the doors closed so that the light doesn't enter? All you have to do is open the door, and the Light will flood in."

I always believed that if once didn't see in black and white, she saw "gray"; she would be "muddy minded". But as I've listened to this Mandala teaching me over the years, I've learned that when I can open my mind and my heart, instead of black and white, I see in "color", beautiful deversified color. It's exciting to see life in "technicolor". It's freeing to be able to say, "both/and", instead of "either/or".

I still have to practice. Places in me still want to close off the Light, and believe I have "it" all, but this picture keeps coming to me whispering, "Open the door to your mind and your heart Beloved, and don't be afraid of all the beautiful colors you'll find."

Day 14 The ABC's of Advent, Letter N

One really fun thing about doing the ABC's of Advent is that I'm able to really explore "new" or little used words. Over the weekend, I started reading Avis Clendenen's book Experiencing Hildegard, Jungian Perspectives. Both Hildegard and Jung referred to the word "numinous". Both believed that healing means reestablishing a connection with the transcendent, the numinous within.

I knew about what it meant, but I enjoy digging into words, so off I went; first, simply meditating on the word for a few days. Then yesterday, we sang a new song for Advent--at least it was new to me. It was Sir John Bowring's Watchmen, Tell Us of the Night. It stirred me, so I came home and looked it up on the internet, in order to look more closely at the words. As I looked them over again this morning and looked up the words, "numen" and "numinous", I knew why the song had stirred me--following the star is very much a "numinous" event.

Watchman, tell us of the night,

What its signs of promise are.

Traveler over yon mountain's height,

See the glory beaming star...

Watchman, tell us of the night,

For the morning seems to dawn,

Traveler, darkness takes it's flight,

Doubt and terror are withdrawn.

Watchman let thy wanderings cease

Hie thee to thy quiet home...

That's what it is to "connect with the numinous within"...you're in a "dark night", then finally you're able to finally spot a distant spark of light, so you begin to follow the light. Finally, morning begins to dawn, and doubt and fear leave. The wandering is over and one finds herself "home", aided by the light shed by another.

I personally don't think the wisemen in the Christmas story had a clue where the star would lead them; they only knew they had to follow. They were compelled from within to follow the star, and they found themselves "coming home".

Jung wrote of being "guided in his writings by an unseen hand, a largely unconscious spiritus rector, (a guiding spirit)". "Hildegard was motivated by the same impulse and guided by a similar spirit...the Living Light within her soul."

And it is that same "guiding force", that same numinous power, that same Mysterium, that has guided me as I've written these 14 days. Avis Clendenen writes that "Connection to this Mysterium is humankind's best hope for healing the soul sickness and fragmenting forces battering the humnan psyche."

I only know I trust this "numinous Star" in my life, this "Guiding Light", this "Holy Spirit", this "Sophia Wisdom". May you find yourselve complelled to reconnect with the Numinous this Advent. And may you find yourself "coming home" again.

Day 13 The ABC's of Advent, Letter M

M is for Mother. It couldn't be for anything else.

It has been so interesting for me to enter this phase of my spirituality with my mother. The idea of the feminine face of God, of Mother God, was absolutely absurd to me in 2002. Then Mother came to live with us in 2003. And I discovered "Her" face in 2005. It's been quite a journey to Her.

And when I found Her, I didn't have a clue what to do with Father God, or with Jesus. But I've come "home" to the Whole, and I've discovered "Safe Am I", right here in the arms of Mother God. After all, Jesus introduced me to Her.

I began painting again with mandalas and colored pencils Christmas of 2003. I didn't realize then, that the introduction was taking place. It took another 5 years for me to allow the shift.

Today She's in most all of my paintings, and I've come to love Her dearly--just as I've come to know and love my own mother. She and Mother have a lot in common; both have been hidden from view for a very long time. Both were given to me as gift in my 50's. I can't help but fall deeper and deeper in love with the feminine face of God, as Mother and I grow deeper and deeper in our relationship. I see Her every day, in Mother's face.

This page is dedicated to them both. I love you, and I'm glad I've found you, treasure that you are!

Day 12 The ABC's of Advent, Letter L

So, I've found IT! My goal this Advent Season was to search for Light, and here we have it on this 12th day of December.

I'm a symbol person--can't help it, I see them everywhere. I think it's a Gift, and I trust the symbols to give me more of the Story.

So, looking for one Scripture, I found another: "Arise, shine, for your Light has come." Aha! THAT'S the one I want to use...then I saw the "60" right next to it, and it was as if Divine Love said, "This one's for YOU, Sheila". For many years, I was given a verse for the next year--one that I knew intuitively was "my verse" for the year--Love's promise to me. Haven't had that happen for a while, but this is my verse for 2010, for my 60th year walking in this world. My Light has come, and I receive that for my promise. I will carry it into the New Year, believing it with all my heart.

My Light Has Come...and I hear a voice inside me, "SHINE Beloved, SHINE!"

Day 11 The ABC's of Advent, Letter K

KAIROS MOMENT

For such a time as this...

in the fullness of NOW

WORD comes

splitting asunder Time and Eternity.

Arrow pierces heart

and darkness is scattered.

Void erupts into FULLNESS;

with violence, seed ruptures, pushing through soil

moving both Heaven and Earth.

An opening is made where non existed before.

Shift comes.

Working with this journal during this season has been a "kairos moment" for me. I am so grateful the Divine Arrow split an opening into my heart with a simple Word.

Day 10 The ABC's of Advent, Letter J

Today, day 10, the letter is J; the words are JOURNEY and JOY.

Just about 10 years ago, and at just about this time of the year, I was disgruntled AGAIN with organized religion, with "church", and I was praying and asking Abba Father, "What do I do?" And I had a vision--I'm going to risk calling it exactly what it was, a vision. The skies didn't part, but I saw this picture in my mind's eye as clearly as it's posted on this page. I saw little Hurricane Hattie leaving a huge city made of sand, she turned and pulled the bar down across the door, locking the huge wooden gate, then turned back again toward the desert to "wait". She had her little hat on, and her little red coat, and her bag was on the ground near her. Back then, it was a suitcase, but today, I know it was her art bag--her tool bag for prayer. I hadn't done any visual arts for over 15 years, and it was probably another 3 years or so before I would begin painting again, but I know now that Hattie had an art bag full of tools near her.

And I heard with the ears of my heart, "Wait for me; I'll come get you." I knew it was my Abba Father speaking to me. Must confess, my heart lurched just a little because my daddy told me that once, and he was two hours late. He was to have picked up our carpool after school, but didn't show up until nearly 5:00. And it was a horribly rainy, stormy day. There was no one left at the school except me and my two riding buddies, and it was open hallways, and we were afraid of the storm--and I was horribly embarrassed because my daddy had forgotten. As it was, he had been witnessing to someone. And a little girl can't get mad at her daddy for leaving her and her friends in a storm when he kept someone from going to hell...she just can't. But she can learn not to trust her Abba Father to show up on time.

So, when I heard, "Wait for me; I'll come get you," I knew it was much, much more than just a statement from God, then I heard, "And I promise, I won't be late."

Shortly after, I left the Baptist church and my evangelical world for the last time. I quit going to church, and I gave up hope of finding anything that fit.

But Abba came for me, in 2002, and He led me into the Catholic world. I thought it would be the Roman Catholic Church, but in 2006, even my priest knew that I wasn't really Roman Catholic--that I was "more Franciscan" in my thoughts, more "universal". I knew it too, and left the Catholic Church in 2007. Had it been a mistake?

Then, last year, Abba took me by the hand again and led me and my Mother "home" to the Episcopal Church. And they have welcomed me warmly--me and my art bag. I've found "home" politically, socially, morally, religiously, creatively, and (I think) this time, completely.

By the way, one of the first women I met there is named JOY! I took that as a prophetic word for me. I've been welcomed by JOY, and everytime I can, I get a hug from JOY. She hasn't a clue, but she's part of my vision, too.

Day 9 The ABC's of Advent, Letter I

For today, I've chosen the letter "I", and the words: "introspection", "intuition", and "inspiration".

The way of the heart (see yesterday's post) includes silence, solitude, and unceasing prayer. For me, that has lead to the words for today. I've come to spend time "inward", in introspection, observing my own mind, words, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. As I've done so, my intuition has sharpened, and following my intuition has always been inspiring.

I'm fortunate to be a part of a group of women/artists/crones, and we often talk about creativity and what that means. I keep repeating myself: I don't want to "do" art, I want to "live" art--to live creatively. This requires me to spend time in introspection, look inside myself and observing--not navel gaze or become self-absorbed, but simply observing, without labeling or judging, just noting my self as I live my life. I once heard a insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's probably how I lived most of the first 40 years of my life. But over the last 20 years or so, the process of introspection has transform me and how I live my life.

Introspection joined together with prayer, sharpens intuition--that "direct knowing" of what I need to let go of, and what I need to reach for. Intuition hasn't always been welcomed or blessed in my life. My culture taught me to value reasoning more, and women's intuition was kind of snickered and belittled as not being valid. Certainly it wasn't trustworthy. But, for me, intuition and Spirit-led are the same thing. I observe and listen, and I'm led in a particular direction. Isaiah tells me, "...there will be a voice in your ear, whispering, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" And that's how it's worked for me for nearly 20 years...attempting to listen to that still small voice that whispers to the ears of my heart inside me. Sometimes I may make a mistake, because it takes practice; but most times, I've learned I can trust the voice.

And trusting that voice enough to follow has always been inspiring. The voice has never led me down a straight path, but instead, a creative path, a twisting path, not necessarily what appears to be the "right" path, but always an interesting path. Personally, I don't know how to live any other way. It makes it hard sometimes to "explain" myself to others, but I'm learning that explanations are necessary anymore. Trusting is all that's required of me.

Day 8 The ABC's of Advent, Letter H

I may be just a little slow, but have you ever noticed that HEART and EARTH are spelled the same--just take the first letter from Heart, the H, and put it on the end, and you have Earth (kind of a 1st shall be last and last shall be 1st kind of thing)! I just noticed that, and that little think makes my heart sing! Doesn't take much, does it!

I also noticed that Heart has the words Hear, Ear, and Art it it. So, if you Hear with the Ear of your Heart, you'll make Art--can't help it. It's bound to happen! Some kind of creative act will take place--that's all it takes. Listening with the ears of your heart--makes a whole different kind of world.

That's what Henri Nouwen's little book, The Way of the Heart, is all about:

Solitude
Silence
Unceasing prayer.

Those three make for a creative life in the Spirit--ART! For me, "unceasing prayer" is "centering prayer". I practice the "act" of centering prayer, alone and in community, but I've also found that if it's practiced long enough, it becomes a way of life--we can lose it sometimes, but that centered place in the heart becomes our "home"--the place from which we live. And it's a creative way to live life.

Speaking of "home", that's my second H-word, HOME.

In Nouwen's Bread for the Journey, for December 8, he talks about the earth and the universe being included in the Great Homecoming. In this day and age, when we speak of "global warming," "climate change", "living green", "renewable resources", "pollution", etc., it's a great home to remember that the planet we call Earth, and this "space" we mark as The Universe, is included in the resurrection. How much more should our hearts be turned toward this home of ours. How much more this should this hope encourage us to co-create with that Generating Force of all life! How much more we should gratefully receive the shared responsibility of "greening" our home.

If you have ears, hear!

Day 7 The ABC's of Advent, Letter G

I just about couldn't wait to get to G. I personally believe the word "God" is so overused--it's lost its potent "shock and awe" power in today's world. And the picture that most of us get when the word "God" is used is very, very small...as in "made in our own image". I still use it most, simply because of habit--it's the word I'm most familar with, but I long for something "more", so I'm always on the hunt for the "new label".

A week or so ago, I found a new name for God in the book of Wisdom, chapter 1, verse 14: ...the generative forces of the world are wholesome, and there is no destructive poison in them.

GENERATIVE FORCE--that's a wonderful description of God, so I've been calling "her" that for the last few days.

Looking for something else entirely, I opened Henri J.M. Nouwen's Bread for the Journey. Mind you, I haven't even cracked a Nouwen book in nearly 5 years, but I did today. Synchronicity! For today, December 7, Nouwen writes:

"One thing we know for sure about our God:

God is life.

God is love.

God is beauty.

God is goodness.

God is truth...

Our God, who loves us from eternity to eternity, wants to give us life for eternity.

When that life was interrupted by our unwillingness to give our full yes to God's love, God sent Jesus to be with us and to say that great yes in our name and thus restore us to eternal life...There is no cruel boss, vengeful enemy, or cruel tyrant waiting to destroy us--only a loving, always forgiving God, eager to welcome us home."

Hear, hear, Henri Nouwen!

When I think of Generative Force, my mind races to Hildegard of Bingin, and her words on "greening". She believed one of our responsibilities as co-creators with God is to "green one another". She even invented a word for that "greening power", "viriditas". Viriditas is that green energy of agape love pulsing through the universe...the emerald rainbow around the throne, the Mercy Seat of God.

So, for today, I will delight in the G words: Generative, Green, and yes, God.

Day 6 The ABC's of Advent, Letter F

Today's the F Word...I grinned when I thought of that. It puts a rather whimsical slant on the whole thing, because one of the biggest myths perpetuated by the Garden, is the myth of "family" and what that's supposed to mean.

This isn't meant to be cynical, although it may sound it for a while, but the expectations put on "family" and all that is supposed to be for us is huge. I think, for me, that's one of the reasons the Christmas season can be such a "downer" for so many of us. Family--blood is thicker than water, although most of us have experienced just the opposite.

I've been reading fictional novels about Eve since we reviewed the creation story in our September TAEHS group. Currently, I'm reading Eve, A Novel Of The First Woman, by Elissa Elliott. And it seems that "family" has been the F word since the very beginning. Blood's never been thicker than water. The loyalty and love that we're aiming for? I suspect that's part of the "Fall". It's just not there.

Someone once said something like "we're born into our "family" but we choose our "friends". And "friend" is my other F word. I have wonderful friends. Like my birth family, and the family from my own womb, they, too have failed me. Perhaps it's because the expectations aren't quite as high? I don't really know, but my friendships have grown and strengthened over the years. I know in my deepest core, that they really, really care, and when the chips are down, they will be there for me in ways my "birth family" and my "womb family" can't be. And I suspect they really, really know me--sometimes it seems they know me better than I know myself.

In either case, family or friend, FORGIVENESS is the big F word of Advent. It truly is the F word that brings light into my darkness. The quote from Mark Twain says it all, "Forgiveness is the fragrance of violets on the heel that crushed it." Thank about that. We are fragile beings. Very, very fragile. We crush easily. And the one's who crush us the quickest seem to be those who are related to us--our families. Probably because the expectations are so high. Families aren't supposed to crush us. Parent's aren't supposed to say things to their kids that wound them for life. Children are supposed to love parents forever, even into their old age. Brothers are supposed to be close for life. Sisters are supposed to be best friends. Husbands and wives are supposed to have a love that grows and lasts forever.

It simply doesn't happen that way. That's why forgiveness has to be. Henri Nowen wrote that if there's anything we need forgiveness for, it's that we aren't God for one another. That has stuck with me for a long time. I have expected much from my parents--they weren't and aren't God. My brothers don't get me, and don't really know me. They aren't God. My husbands--all 3-- have failed me. They aren't God. And my precious children, probably the one's I've loved the most, even they have failed me. They aren't God.

And even my friends have failed me. They aren't God. And I forgive them for not being God for me. My prayer is that they will forgive me for not being God for them.

Guess what the G word is?

The Edge

(On one side of the path, ecstasy, on the other

dull grief... Walking)

Denise Levertov

They say there are at least two sides to every story,
two sides to the coin--

but there is a third,
the Edge,

Black, white
Joy, sorrow
Happy, sad
Knowing, not knowing
Gain, loss
Love, fear
Anger, release
Dark, light
Have, have not
Past, future

So, perhaps this is the trick?
To give up living on the Edge between
and drop into the vast space of the present moment?
The Now?
What Holy Scripture calls, "Today"?

I seem to waffle so,
and find myself wavering, tossed to and fro
like a leaf in the wind.

It seems the Edge narrows this time of year
and becomes razor thin.

Thoughts turn to prayer:

"Grant me grace enough to fall into the vast present moment of Today,
where there is room enough breathe and simply remember,

'Safe am I'."

Day 5 The ABC's of Advent, Letter E

Ok, so this is a little bit of a downturn...it's time to put up the Christmas tree--while I may long to celebrate Advent and it's quiet waiting, I'm snapped back to the reality of living in this world. Jim's gone for the tree--now I have to scrounge into the little space under the stairs and pull out the dusty boxes. It feels to me like reaching back into the past and bringing out all the old memories and trying to live there again.

In her book Walking in This World, Julia Cameron talks about "'growing up in the fun house,' where our soul's aspirations are mirrored back to us in a distorted and distorting fashion".

That's how I feel right now--walking that fine line, called the Edge, between what I long for and what is...

This is where I long for the Light...

Day 4 The ABC's of Advent - Letter D

I almost kicked myself for not doing this page yesterday, but I'm still trying to trust the Muse, who's biggest job seems to be teaching me that "timing is everything".

I've known I wanted to use Darkness for my D word, but somehow it just didn't click yesterday. With the weather teasing "snow", and the pots on the stove bubbling turkey gumbo, "darkness" just didn't fit. And I woke up this morning, knowing why.

I've learned over the years to befriend the darkness, knowing that it's the womb that gives life. I've learned not to be afraid of the darkness as much as I used to be. And I've learned that waiting is part of the "it" of befriending darkness.

But this morning, I woke up knowing that at the end of darkness comes DAWN. And part of what I'm waiting for is the beginning of something new that comes with the dawn.

The pieces of poetry on the pages are from a poem I wrote in October, entitled:

The End of Winter's Long Night.

The long night is nearly over.

The edges of morning sun's rosy dawn

creep into night's black sky,

and I am left tired to the bone.

It has been a long winter's night,

but I live.

My hip hurts,

but my heart is free.

And I limp.

I no longer stand tall with ready answers.

My hip is out of joint,

and I lean--

listing like a broken down sailboat.

What I was yesterday is only

a discolored spot on a wall,

a shadow,

a distant memory.

My feet are no longer tightly fitted

in shoes of certitude.

I walk with bare feet now.

And I lean.

But the long night is over,

and I live to see a new day.

Only one thing is certain now--

the Life Giver walks among us.

(Genesis 32.24-31 and Song of Solomon 8.5)

Day 3 The ABC's of Advent - Letter C

My C words for Advent are compassion, community, and Christ-mass (made that one up).

Someone told me a long time ago, that in Scripture, one of the words that compassion comes from is the same word as "womb". Growing up, compassion was described as coming from the "bowels", but when I heard the "womb" thought process, it made much more sense of me. There is something about feeling someone's pain or circumstances from the womb. A mother knows.

I reacently learned of the Charter for Compassion, and was reminded again that compassion is at the center of ALL religions, including my own. Just imagine, if we all could remember that we are "one", and if that "one" human community could act always from a heart of compassion for each other and the planet itself, the Christ-Mass would always be sung. Let it begin in me.

Day 2 The ABC's of Advent - Letter B

I woke up this morning about 4:30, with "visions" of art journaling pages dancing in my head. Today, December 2, my Letter B's of Advent are "breathe", "breath", "blow", and "beautiful". One of my all-time favorite hymns is Breathe On Me. I haven't heard it for years, but I heard it clearly in my deepest parts this morning as I woke.

The purpose of my art journaling the ABC's of Advent is to look for "light"...as Ruah Spirit blows her sweet breath on my heart, "sunshine fills its inmost, with not a cloud between."

I have my "Light" for today.

Blessed be.

Day 1 The ABC's of Advent, Letter A

A is for Advent, Adventitious, Adventure, Adventuress, Adventurous, and AUDACIOUS!

Christmas hasn't been my cup of tea for a very, very long time. I want that to change, to shift in some way. Recently, Andy mentioned in one of his sermons, that this ISN'T Christmas season, it's ADVENT season, the season we wait for Light. Something in that comment settled deep in me, and somewhere inside, I felt a shift coming. So, I've waited. I thought it might help to make some soul collage cards about Christmas, but that just hasn't happened--my "stuff" kept getting in the way. So, I waited some more. For several years now, art has been my prayer, my therapy, my tool for healing. Images are transformative, so I've felt that my answer would be found in art some way, but I didn't know how, so I kept waiting.

Yesterday I went to Hastings to buy magazines for Soul Collage, and I found this wonderful little book on art journaling. I spent time looking through it last night, and reading through some art journaling blogs, and something "felt" right--this is it. But how do I start?

I've journaled for years, and I've even tried keeping some kind of journal using art, but nothing's every clicked. Then, this morning, I woke up with "the answer"--at least for now. This is December 1st. Perhaps I could do an Advent alphabet, using words to jump in. I love words, and this seemed like a good idea for me.

So, I rushed into my studio and rumaged through some drawers looking for old sketch books that might work. The first one I came to just happened to have 26 pages. Wow...this is meant to be. So, here I go. These are the first two entries in my new journal for Advent 2009. I'm looking for Light. I'm looking for a shift. I think maybe this just might be a tool for me this year. I'm ready!

Intuition - The Zygogenesis of Partnership

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel in the night;

also my heart instructs me.

Psalm 16.7

Animated by something other than reason, the seed planted
becomes fully alive in the heavy soil of Night.
Consciousness breaks like Day through what appears as
Darkness and Death, fully and completely
energizing the seed, bringing same to
fruition. What has caused this apparently dead kernel to
germinate, exploding root Downward into
heavy, heaving earth?
Intoxicated with an undeniable
joy, this suddenly alive
kernel, once dead, reaches for new Life.
Limited only by its own deeply-held pattern of truth held in the
matrix of Time and Eternity, this kernel
nudges with life, also Upward, as if driven by some
olfactory sense toward the Light, breaking ground into a
profusion of form: a flower, a tree, an answer
quickly coming with no explanation. The mind and the soul finally at
rest, the heart
stilled.
Time has become a haven, the
ulterior motive of the All: to teach the patient act of seeming
vanity, simply to
wait,
xeno,
yielding only to the familiar but unseen Source of it all, the true
zygogenesis of Partnership.

Relating to God

Last evening a group of my spiritual soul sisters and I got together for dinner, a concert, and a pajama party. What a delight--but at 60, my body doesn't quite last as long as it used to. By the time the question of the evening was posed, "So, how are you relating to God today?", it was 5 glasses of wine, and far too many hours too late for me to respond.

But on the solitary drive home this morning, I had time to ponder my relationship to God. How am I relating to God today? Much the same as I have been over the last 10-12 years. My perception of God has changed, but God has not changed. I think that's finally sunk deep into my soul.

I lost God about 6 years ago, and I panicked. But over the last year or so, I've found my way back home. The God I know today is the same God I've always known. The only thing that's really changed is my "picture", the way I see God. God is no longer a "being" as I am a being; instead, God is Being, the Ground of all being, the Source of all being. God does not give life; God is Life.

And I still relate as I've done in the past, by staying awake, by paying attention, by taking note, by listening closely. I haven't prayed much with words for many years, but I do practice stillness. When I sit quietly in centering prayer or meditation, all my parts come together, and I can hear--softly in the temple of my soul, the voice of God. When synchronistic acts line up and the eyes of my understanding gets it, God shouts, and I hear. My worship method has changed from singing songs, to simply noticing how my heart lifts, like a large flock of birds lifting simultaneously from the pasture and soaring in beautiful pattern through the bright blue sky. My heart soars with them, in unison, as God and I delight together in the beauty of Creation.

Is God energy? Yes, no, maybe--God is infinite. No one word can define. Is God me? Is God you? Yes, no, maybe--God might be me, God might be you, but God definitely is more. God exists without me, but I don't exist without God. One thing I know--God isn't "he", nor "she"--dispite our distaste of the thought, I rather believe God to be "IT", in me, outside of me, around me, through me, part of me, and apart from me. To know God is to know my true Self. To know my true Self is to know God.

Should I worship this "Energy"--how can I not? Worship is a response of the heart to something more--I don't plan it, nor do I "do" it, but instead, it does me. I was created to worship--remember those vast flocks of birds lifting up into the sky and flying in pattern? How can I keep my heart from following?

To me, worship isn't a song of notes and words, but a gesture of recognition that Something More has caught my heart and given me wings.

I am more sure today than ever before that God is. We are in partnership, God and I. I was born to "see" God, to "know" God, to worship God. And I was born, like those birds, to fly. Even though gravity pulls my earth suit downward, my spirit flies because God is, and we relate.

Tree Huggers

This post is dedicated to my nephew, Brandon. Brandon, I wrote this little poem several years ago when I was at a Women Who Run With the Wolves retreat at the Cenacle in Houston. Hope you enjoy! :)

Have You Hugged A Tree Today
Dedicated to Laura Lerod, a "real tree hugger"
part of my "pack", May 21, 2006
The face of Mother True in my dream
Thank you for your part in my evolving.

Have you hugged a tree today?
I have.

Walking the perimeter of the Cenacle,
I chose a path not made of asphalt or cement.
Instead I chose a path into the woods--
albeit a path well marked.
Still, it had the feeling of adventure and journey.

I took the spot of the farthest chair as my place of solitude
to listen and learn from She who was around me,
then I sat with Mother Earth and heard,
"Hug a tree."

How foolish and tiny it seemed--
yet I have done foolish and tiny before
and received great joy--so
I hugged a tree.

Mother Pine stood straight and tall,
firmly rooted, yet stretching into the sky
so high I could not see her top.
Timidly I touched her, then put my arms half-way 'round.

Foolishly, feeling silly, timidly--
then with sublime audacity,
I embraced her fully.

She did not hug me back,
but instead received all I had given her with a grateful heart.
She received me and let me practice hugging her--
And somehow I felt restored.

I stood there,
at the Cenacle,
in the woods,
at the farthest chair,
hugging Mother Pine,
my skin touching hers...
I smelled her fragrance
as she sniffed mine.

We became acquainted, she and I,
standing there in the woods that day--
me foolishly hugging her,
she lavishly receiving me.

I too know what it is to hug a tree--
and why.

Ripple...

My middle son and I were discussing my newest painting, and he gave me these words to the Grateful Dead's Ripple:

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

I can only use my key to get into the Garden, and I can only walk the road laid out before me. Someone else's key won't work, and someone else's road won't lead me to the Center. Thanks Barton. I love the words to the song.

A New Start

I've been thinking about the feminine face of God, and how she seems to haunt me, no matter how I try to "avoid" her. She appears everywhere in my home--on my mantle and especially in my paintings. My mandalas are her gifts to me--it's as if I paint them from her womb. And my other paintings hold her face for me as well.

This is my newest painting--yet unfinished. It's called, She Holds the Key. I have a skeleton key that I'm going to place in the palm of her hand. The idea was sparked by a dream I had many years ago. I dreamed of a garden--lush and beautiful--hidden behind a wrought iron gate. A friend of mine was inside the garden, and I could tell she was contented and happy to be there, but I couldn't find my way in. I was talking to her through the fence. She told me that I had to find my own way into the garden--that there was a gate just for me, and I had to find the key that opened my gate.

Recently, I've been reminded through some of my reading that She may hold the key for me.

It seems strange for me to say that--I've run hard after God, and loved Jesus exceedingly. So this turn in my journey feels "unsafe" in so many ways--yet it has drawn me for nearly five years.

I remember many years ago walking into the chapel at Dickinson Retreat Center and sitting in the back to pray--and looking up to find that I was sitting at the feet of Mary. I felt so safe--that was long before my journey to the Catholic Church.

Even before that, my love was the Bride and the Bridegroom and the partnership with God that spiritual marriage meant.

And I remember the day that Jesus invited Her into my "home" (my heart). I was praying, saying to Jesus, "You are welcome to move into this 'house', rearrange the furniture, make it your place to just 'be'." And I "saw" in my mind's eye Jesus grin and put at picture of Mary the Mother on my mantle.

And it seems She's been there every since--as maiden, mother and crone.

I've found her face in Scripture: the maiden in the face of Solomon's maiden and the face of Mary of Bethany; the mother in the face of Mary, Jesus' mother; and the crone in the face of Mary Magdalene, as she buried the only Jesus she knew, waiting for "something new" to come.

In my forties, I found Jesus' face. In my fifties, I found my own. And now as I enter my sixties, it seems I have an invitation to more fully explore hers.

Blessed be.